A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.
Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"
Doctor: " O really now?
Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."
Oldman: "ok"
Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."
Doctor:" My point exactly"
Dinner with Girlfriend
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist
"Hello, could you give me condom ..............
I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
"Hello, could you give me condom ..............
I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
The Girl Who Went to College
This mother spent her whole life savings to send her daughter to college. Well her daughter had been in college for a couple of months and this was her first visit with her mother. So the mother gets there to pick her up her daughter gets into the car, the daughter looks at her mom and says "Mom I have something to tell you!". The mother says "O.k. what is it?"The daughter replies "I AINT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!!" The mom sits there a minute and replies" I spent all this damn money sending you to college and you still saying AINT!!!!!"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
Husband
“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman said to her friend.
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”
Fathers, beware of such sons..
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
Genie
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
Rude Guy
A guy is sitting in a bar with a depressed look on his face. Another guy comes up to lighten the mood and drinks his beer.
"Hey!" The depressed guy raises his voice. "Why did you do that!?!? I need that!"
The other guy replies "Sorry man, I didn't know you'd get so upset about it!"
"Look man, My wife just dumped me for a younger man and is taking my kids and half of our stuff, then my cat that I've had for 13 years dies out of no where,
then my house gets egged and I oversleep, my boss gets mad and fires me, here to find out it wasn't because I was late,
My wife's new boyfriend was hired for my job! And then after all of that some jackass comes in here and drinks my poison!"
"Hey!" The depressed guy raises his voice. "Why did you do that!?!? I need that!"
The other guy replies "Sorry man, I didn't know you'd get so upset about it!"
"Look man, My wife just dumped me for a younger man and is taking my kids and half of our stuff, then my cat that I've had for 13 years dies out of no where,
then my house gets egged and I oversleep, my boss gets mad and fires me, here to find out it wasn't because I was late,
My wife's new boyfriend was hired for my job! And then after all of that some jackass comes in here and drinks my poison!"
The Governor's Assistant
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious
office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man
said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious
office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man
said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
Doggie Goes Out For A Job
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal OpportunityEmployer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also*
says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal OpportunityEmployer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also*
says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Picture
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her
nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery!"
nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry........... "Is this your husband?"he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN and then HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
• Wine her,
• Dine her,
• Call her,
• Hug her,
• Hold her,
• Surprise her,
• Compliment her,
• Smile at her,
• Laugh with her,
• Cry with her,
• Cuddle with her,
• Shop with her,
• Give her jewelry,
• Buy her flowers,
• Hold her hand,
• Write love letters to her,
• Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
• Show up naked,
• Bring beer.
• Wine her,
• Dine her,
• Call her,
• Hug her,
• Hold her,
• Surprise her,
• Compliment her,
• Smile at her,
• Laugh with her,
• Cry with her,
• Cuddle with her,
• Shop with her,
• Give her jewelry,
• Buy her flowers,
• Hold her hand,
• Write love letters to her,
• Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
• Show up naked,
• Bring beer.
Fridays, I fish
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
Courtroom Questions
Questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and responses given by insightful witnesses.
=============================================
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive
Natural Blonde
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."
Confession is good!
Being his turn to receive confessions, a priest hears the confession of a church congregant whose voice is very familiar.
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have had sex with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is this you Luca? Luca from our boys choir?"
"Yes Father, it's me."
"And who is this girl" asks the priest.
"I cannot tell you, Father, she swore me to secrecy."
"Luca, it's best you tell me now. I will find out sooner or later."
"Was it Tina Minetti", the priest asks.
"I cannot tell you", responds Luca.
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I will never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I am sorry Father, but I cannot tell you."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed Father."
"Then it was Rosa Di Ángelo?"
"Please Father, I cannot say."
The priest, exasperated and finally frustrated says, "Luca Pagano, you are indeed discreet and I respect that. But you have sinned and for that, you must show penitence. You must give up your position as Alter Boy for the next four months. Now leave and begin your penitence and learn from it."
Luca thanked the priest and immediately left the Confessional and joined his friend and fellow alter boy Franco who had been waiting for him.
Franco, concerned for his friend worriedly asked, "What did he do?"
Luca took a moment, looked at his friend and gleefully replies, "I got four months vacation and the names of five sluts!"
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have had sex with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is this you Luca? Luca from our boys choir?"
"Yes Father, it's me."
"And who is this girl" asks the priest.
"I cannot tell you, Father, she swore me to secrecy."
"Luca, it's best you tell me now. I will find out sooner or later."
"Was it Tina Minetti", the priest asks.
"I cannot tell you", responds Luca.
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I will never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I am sorry Father, but I cannot tell you."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed Father."
"Then it was Rosa Di Ángelo?"
"Please Father, I cannot say."
The priest, exasperated and finally frustrated says, "Luca Pagano, you are indeed discreet and I respect that. But you have sinned and for that, you must show penitence. You must give up your position as Alter Boy for the next four months. Now leave and begin your penitence and learn from it."
Luca thanked the priest and immediately left the Confessional and joined his friend and fellow alter boy Franco who had been waiting for him.
Franco, concerned for his friend worriedly asked, "What did he do?"
Luca took a moment, looked at his friend and gleefully replies, "I got four months vacation and the names of five sluts!"
Visiting a barber
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)