Best Memory

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

Dog Wars

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

Free Pups

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a number of tiny creatures,  in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Made-in-China

Advanced Medical Technology

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

Fujifoo! Fugifoo!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, “Fujifoo! Fugifoo!” The American thought she was screaming in pleasure.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said “Fujifoo!” One Japanese man looked at him confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.”

Map of the World - US Edition

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Fifteen.

Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.

American Soldier

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.

I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.

I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."