There was a Blonde

...she wanted to check how long she could sleep, so she took a ruler to bed
...she thought General Motors was an army man.
...she thought there was a new CD for cats called Meow Mix.
...she studied hard for a blood test.
...she thought she had to buy a token to get into "Soul Train."
...she sold the car so she could buy gas!
...she took Bus No. 33 twice when she missed Bus No. 66

Tickle Me Elmo toys

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, A Blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Blonde surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Blonde .
‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

Blonde and Motorboat

Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to function properly.

She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem.

A fisherman inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine and out drive seemed to be in order. Fisherman then jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still attached to the boat!"

Ironing Blonde

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"That Idiot called back."

Birth control pills

A blonde couple - Brenda and her husband, Joe go to their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain manufacturer that makes birth control pills. After answering their queries, the pharmacist asks them what is wrong. Brenda explains, "I have been using birth control pills and despite that, I continue to get pregnant."

The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.

Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."

"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.

"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "

Nancy - The Blonde Nun

Nancy, the blonde nun was praying in the church, when God decided to talk to her.

God's voice boomed from the heavens, "My child, I am very happy with you. You have always loved your fellow beings and always worked for the benefit of others. For all that you have done in your life, I not only want to thank and commend you, but wish you grant you anything that you want."

Nancy replied, "Oh dear Father, I am absolutely happy and satisfied. I am a bride of Christ. I am only following my heart. I have no desire for anything material. The Church supports me and I am comfortable the way I am."

God said, "There must be something you wish for."

Nancy replied, "Well, there is one thing."

God's voice boomed, "Just say it."

The blonde nun replied, "Well, it's these blonde jokes. They are so humiliating to blondes all over the world, including me. Can these blonde jokes stop?"

God replied, "Done, my dear child. It is erased from the minds of humans. Is there something that you want just for yourself?"

Nancy replied, "Well, there is something, but it's too petty, I don't want to bother you" said the nun.

God said, "Just tell me."

Nancy replied,"It's these M&M's, I find them so hard to peel..."

Flying Blonde

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

Last day on the job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Thanksgiving dinner

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.

Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.

Did it not taste good her mother asked.

I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!

The complaint letter from Blonde

The complaint letter from Blone:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

Extra Large

It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

A Blonde in Court

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

What's the big deal

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

Good for babies up to 18 pounds

A blonde girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What do you think the problem is?"

Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odor, where- upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.

"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow sh*t in your son's drawers!"

"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."

Some ball warmers for Christmas

Three blondes are sitting in a café, talking about what to get their boyfriends for Christmas.

"It's funny," said Samantha. "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his cock! I think I should get him some ball warmers for Christmas."

"You know what?" replied Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"

They turn to the third blonde, Candi, and asked, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!" exclaimed Candi.

"You're crazy," Samantha piped up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it! It would make a great Christmas gift for Chris!"

Candi says she'll think about it. The next time they meet at the café it is Boxing Day and Candi is sporting a wicked shiner.

"Whoa!" the Jenny asked. "How did you get that black eye?!"

"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," Candi said.

"What on earth for?!" the Jenny asked.

"I don't know," Candi replied. "I was giving him his Christmas present like you two suggested. I mentioned how strange it was that his balls were so warm, when Pete and Richard's were so cold, and he punched me!"

A dollar to wipe arse

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a sh*t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh*t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my arse." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with sh*t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Rowing a row boat.

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Mailbox in Car

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to downtown cowboy ..'. And here I am."

Two blonde playing golf

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in.

The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the clubhouse and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"