The Best Crap Of Your Life

We all enjoy a good satisfying crap. But did you know that you can transform a regular crap into a fantastic crap? Just follow our simple eight step guide to the perfect crap! Follow along as we take you into a new chapter in your life…

1. Timing - The right timing makes all the difference… Don’t be so eager that you sit disappointed as you struggle to pinch a loaf; and at the same time don’t wait until you’re touching cloth to drop an atomic. Let your instincts guide you.

2. Attire - Multiple layers of difficult to manage clothes will complicate your sh-t. Ol’ skool pajama’s with a back-end trap door can keep you warm during longer bombing sessions; but are fashionably impractical in today’s modern world.

3. Bathroom - A tranquil and familiar environment provides for the most pleasant a*s blasts. Public restrooms in bus terminals, small town airports, donut stores and gas stations should be avoided at all costs. Home is where the crap goes down, if you have more than one bathroom, choose the one your wife didn’t decorate with cat grass and p*ss soaked fluffy toilet seat covers.

4. The Toilet - Just like the seat in your car or chair in your office, comfort is important when pushing out turd nuggets. The right height, seat width and elongation can prevent sh*tter’s sleepy legs on those longer strenuous sessions. This may require the purchase and installation of a new toilet, as many stock toilets builders use in today’s homes are inadequate for the needs of crap masters.

5. Reading Material - There is nothing better than taking a gigantic crap of biblical proportions while going through the entire weekend edition of the local newspaper. The toilet can also make a great place for reading magazines, instruction manuals for your new flat screen HDTV and other books you’ve been meaning to catch up on.

6. Ventilation - Suffocation on your own excrement fumes is an awful way to die. Skimping on cheap ventilation fans and pathetic little post card sized windows is your one way ticket to the morgue my good friend. Make sure the fan is variable speed so you can lower the fan speed while taking a regular dump to maintain the ambiance; and pump the fan up for when you’re squirting liquid crap from your arse and you need to constantly exhaust large volumes of air for your survival.

7. Toilet Paper - Quantity and quality are everything. Don’t ruin a perfectly good crap by ending it off with cheap toilet paper. Softness is the difference between wiping your brown eye with sand paper or satin. Quality is the difference between “I just got sh*t stank on my hand” single layer toilet paper and “I could clean up nuclear waste and survive” triple layer toilet paper.

8. Deodorizing - When your bowl has been full of E. coli swill for however long it took for you to blast your arse, the bathroom may require detoxification in order for other humans to survive use of the room for hours or even days afterward. Choose something less floral bouquet and more industrial solvent level, we’re dealing with toxins of ungodly power here.

How low can you get!

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.” Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.” Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”

The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Alright then… I’m in for f*cking dogs.” Everyone is disgusted!

They shout “What!!?? How low can you get!”

To which Luke replies, “Well… I did manage do to a Dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little.”

Bikie and Policeman

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.
He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."
The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"
The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Thing's You Really Didn't Want To Know..

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubichairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

A Considerate Man's Thoughts for Women

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.

I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis.

I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Bowl of Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Health Food

A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst fears - the tests showed positive.
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.

"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"

The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what your arseh*le is for!"

Two Campers

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says,
"I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, nd we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a bl*w job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."