Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes: Misc Jokes

Showing posts with label Misc Jokes. Show all posts

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son. '

B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year. -

Isn't it weird? the year of the cow, there's mad cow disease.

the year of the pig, there's swine flu.

the year of the goat, there's foot and mouth going around.

Now to be honest, I normally wouldn't care that much, but it's getting scarily close to the year of the cock.

What is the truest definition of Globalization ?

Answer : Princess Diana's death .

Question : How come?

Answer :An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey: followed closely by Italian Paparazzis in Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

And moreover this is sent to you by an INDIAN, using American (Steve job's) technology, and you're probably reading this on your iPhone or Samsung or blackberry , that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean screen, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by PAKISTANI lorry-drivers, .... . That is "" Globalization

Happy New Year

Wish you All a Very

now stop staring and get back to work !!!!!

Birthday Game

ZEN Teachings

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Present

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Hungry Cannibals

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"

The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."

15 things that SEX and PARKING SPACES share in common

You should never have to wait to find one
You should be able to slide right into one
Spaces in the front are always the best
When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
It sucks when someone else is double-parked
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only compact' spaces
A full-size car is good to find
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
A house isn't a home without a parking space
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

Terms to Know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Dating Women : Around the World

1. WHITE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
b. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
c. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
b. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
c. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
b. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
c. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
d. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
e. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

4. JEWISH WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get terrific head.
b. Second Date: You get even more great head.
c. Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.

5. CHINESE WOMEN:
a. First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
b. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
c. Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

6. INDIAN WOMEN:
a. First date: Meet her parents.
b. Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
c. Third date: Wedding night.

7. BLACK WOMEN:
a. First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
b. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
c. Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
d. Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.

8. MEXICAN WOMEN:
a. First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
b. Second Date: She’s pregnant.
c. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

9. ARAB WOMEN:
a. First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
b. Second Date: You are shot dead.
c. No third date.

Everything has a Gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Mouse in the house

A : I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Don't worry the mouse will leave your house on its own

WHO'S YOUR ROLE MODEL for 2011??

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find your role Model.
NO CHEATING. I was really surprised to find out who my role Model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is! No peeking!

Pick your favorite number between 1-9
Multiply by 3 then
Add 3
Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number...
Add the digits together

Now Scroll down
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With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

Einstein
Oprah Winfrey
George Bush
Bill Clinton
Bill Gates
Gandhi
Barack Obama
Babe Ruth
Crazymady.com
John F. Kennedy
Mother Theresa

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

Black Bras

An Arab goes to a Jew to buy black bras.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Arab buys six.

He returns a few days later and orders another dozen.....

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Arab returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Arab what he does with all these bras.

The Arab answers : ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves to the Jews for $100.00 each.

Evolution of Internet

*In ancient Israel,it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
...did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.*

*And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. *

*And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"*

*And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How,dear?" *

*And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale,and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. *

*And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."*

*Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. *

*And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. *

*To prevent neighboring countries from over hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. *

*It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People(HTTP)*

*But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. *

*But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading. *

*And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.*

*And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. *

*And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.*

*And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."*

*And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel,or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."*

*And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." *

*"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.*

*Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. *

*It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)*

* *

*And that is how it all began……...

Miss Airport 2011 Calendar

Miss Airport 2011 - January

Miss Airport 2011 - February

Miss Airport 2011 - March

Miss Airport 2011 - April

Miss Airport 2011 - May

Miss Airport 2011 - June

Miss Airport 2011 - July

Miss Airport 2011 - August

Miss Airport 2011 - September

Miss Airport 2011 - October

Miss Airport 2011 - November

Miss Airport 2011 - December

Humor in Flight Announcements

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. Some you may have seen previously, but are still worth reading.

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On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Are you a doctor?

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter!!!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No', the woman replied, 'I'm with the Income Tax Deptt.'.

Forbidden by airline regulations

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."