Heil Hitler!

During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"

So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"

I'm really worried about my wife

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

Doug said, "Her driver's license."

Two nuns at the fruit market

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers.
The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !"
 The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."

What's a Breathalyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
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A hundred dollar bill.

Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream "Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?"

His dad simply replied, "Mmmmm… just making your brother, Johnny.....go back to bed."

The next day when the father got home from work, he found Johnny crying on the stoop....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied, "Oh daddy, this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother!"

Don't be angry

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

You are right

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time.

Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better".

"Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."

Do angels fly?

Child: “Mom, do angels fly?”

Mom: “Yes, they do.”

Child: “Then why doesn’t our maid fly?”

Mom: “But she is not an angel.”

Child: “Yes, she is. Dad calls her angel.”

Mom: “Does he? All right, you will see her fly tomorrow.”

Perfect Son ............

A:I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

Foreman

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.

"The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" the nephew asked. "What's that got to do with it?"

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Curse of 40 Years

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

School Prank

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Where the hell are you jerk ?

Wife: Where the hell are you jerk ?

Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"

Wife: Yeah I remember my love !

Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway....

Similarities between Wife & Exams

1. Lots of Questions
2. Difficult to Understand
3. Always require Detailed Explanation
4. Results always UNEXPECTED

Phone Call

Jake and Mary have an agreement that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "PHONE CALL".

One day Jake sends his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and Mary replies; tell your father, there is no network..

Jake: tell your mother that if there is no network at home, then I'll go to a public phone..

Mary: tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I'll open a call center at home.