You may be a “Redneck Marine” if

• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at night.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next door.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if ....

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping-pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

A Sex Test For Rednecks

Answer the following questions with either True or False.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels....True or False.

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems....True or False.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.... True or False.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack....True or False.

5. The clitoris is a type of flower....True or False.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle....True or False.

7. Semen is a term for sailors....True or False.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly....True or False.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus....True or False.

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit....True or False.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Tulsa....True or False.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish....True or False.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument....True or False.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke....True or False.

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute....True or False.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex....True or False.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir....True or False.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry....True or False.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle....True or False.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote....True or False.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East....True or False.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass....True or False.

23. Pornography is the business of making records....True or False.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin....True or False.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"....True or False.

You are not a Redneck if

1. You don't pee in the sink.
2. Your wife is not related to you
3. Your car ACTUALLY runs.
4. You have a full set of teeth.
5. You passed the 5th Grade.
6. None of your brothers names start with Billy Bob.
7. Your house costed more than your car.
8. The shower is ACTUALLY being used.
9. You never saw Elvis.
10. You don't miss the $100 question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"

Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her t*ts!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

The Redneck farmer and his son

The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife." So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.

"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!!"

"I know

Redneck Vampire

Redneck Christmas

I can´t hear you

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can´t hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"

The priest answered, "By golly, you can´t hear in here."

Gothic Redneck

You might be a Gothic Redneck if...

• You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".
• You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".
• You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.
• You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.
• The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.
• You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.
• One of your kids was born in a cemetery.
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.
• Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.
• Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.
• You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1
• Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.
• You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".
• You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.
• Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.
• You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.
• You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.
• You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.
• You've ever named your child after a vampire.
• You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.
• You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.
• Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".
• The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.
• You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.
• Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You proposed in a mortuary.
• Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.
• You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.
• You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe.

He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

"I should get more," the crooked juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them."

"They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother.

"Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

Redneck BBQ

It work better on a PC

Coroner report

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”

“Second body: “Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon . Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Easy Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

Redneck Medical Terms

Benign.......................What you be after you be eight
Artery........................The study of paintings
Bacteria.....................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.......................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic...........................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C...........................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Duct Tape........................Suture on a roll
Enema........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula..........................A small lie
Genital........................Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates
Node............................I knew it
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative..............A letter carrier
Recovery Room............Place to do upholstery
Rectum........................Damn near killed him
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor
Tablet..........................A small table
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose......................Near by/close by

You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if

• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all your male ancestors fought in the Civil War on the Confederate side.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your sister wants to join the Wives of Marines organization.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the smell of dead bodies gets you aroused.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when your D.I. says, “The Crucible will include female Marine participation” and you yell out, “Yeee Doggies, there be lovin on the battlefield tonight.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been assigned aboard a Naval Task Force heading to Iraq and a young female Navy Ensign bends over and you yell out, “CHARGE.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if when a non white female Marine Cpl. from NYC threatens to kick your ass for the sexual advances you just made, and you reply, “Wow, just like being with my older half sister cause there’s nutin like a good ass kickin before the sex lickin starts.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think an S & M club means Sex with Momma.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if ALL the women you talk to, you call “Darling.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think big city girls are from Nashville, Gatorsburg, and Louisville.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the waitress at the local choke and puke calls you a “Filthy Beast.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your D.I. tells you to trim the hairs out of your nose.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your older brother got a Section 8 from the Army for masturbating on the parade field.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your the reason the hospital maternity ward put up the sign in the birthing room that reads, “Do NOT Have Sex On This Bed.”
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your Mamma and Sister have to comb the hair under their arms.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you go to the zoo, drop your pants, take a shit, and throw it at the caged gorillas.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if California women keep telling you that “You drag your knuckles”, and you don’t have a clue what the hell they are talking about.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you brought the junior miss middle school prom queen to your high school prom night.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your classes at high school were often canceled because the path to the rest room was flooded.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you were truly a head and shoulders above all the rest of the kids in school, of course this is because you had to repeat the first grade 3 times.

The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

You Might Be A Redneck If:

You Might Be A Redneck If:

* You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

* Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

* You've ever re-used a paper plate.

* If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

* If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

* On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Redneck Motor Cycle

You Might Be a Redneck If......

You Might Be a Redneck If......

• A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
• You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
• You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
• You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.