Good News and Bad News

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: 

“I have some good news and, I have some bad news…” 

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first? 

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.” 

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary”

Lab Lawyers

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. And third, there are some things even a rat won't do."

I cant sleep in the barn

A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.

But how?

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

The lawyer's son

The lawyer's only son, Danny wanted to follow the same career as his father, so he decided to go to law school. After he graduated with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm. It was his first day at work, and he rushed into his father's office, and said excitedly, "Dad, in just a day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for seven years!"

The senior lawyer responded: "You stupid fool, we could live on the funding of that case for another eight years!"

Easiest to Operate

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
 The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

Annoying Lawyer

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

I screw anybody, any time

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. walking up behind her he says, "Hi There! Good looking! How's it going?"

She, Having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

You wouldn't dare shoot me

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Don't you ever stop

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

The Attorney's Heart

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

Why did that upset you?

Attorney to witness: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?"

Witness: "Where am I Cathy?"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "Because my name is Susan."

Criminal Lawyer

A man walks into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quips, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

Winning the case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

Late Coming

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."

Full amount

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”

The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”

Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”

Wife or a mistress

A doctor, a lawyer, and a manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems."

The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health."

The manager says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can go to the office and do some work." !!!

Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.

As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed,  covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves and that's how I want to go."

Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!