Bad at Maths

There was A teacher who was shouting at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.

One of the kids put up his hand. "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.

School Prank

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Where's your homework?

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"

Math and Cats

Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven Sir”

Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven”

Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”

Little Johnny: “Seven!!!”

Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”

Very Angry Little Johnny: “Because I Already Have One At Home“

How Many

Statements from Actual School Papers!

1. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

2. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

3. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

4. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

5. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

6. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

7. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

8. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

9. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

10. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her t*ts!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

Chemistry Lesson

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.

"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.

Rowdy Students

While visiting the East Street School in the country, the chairman of the Board of governors became agitated by the ruckus made by rowdy students in the adjoining room.

Fuming, he opened the door and dragged out one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He then took the boy to the next room and asked him to stand in a corner.

A couple of minutes later, a little boy stuck his head in the room and begged, "Sir, can we have our teacher back please?"

Food is the greatest strength and attraction

It was a practical session in the psychology class.

The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on on side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.

Then, the professor changed the cake and kept some bread. The male rat ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.

Then, one of the students from the back rows said:- "Sir, please change the rat. She may be his wife".

Well-known proverb said by kids

A teacher had twenty-six students in her class She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses .................... until they stop running.

2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before................. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of.................. termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but............... how?

6. Don't bite the hand that........................ looks dirty.

7. No news is.......................... impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a.......................... Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new..................... math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll................. stink in the morning.

11.Love all, trust.................................. me.

12. The pen is mightier than the............... pigs.

13. An idle mind is............................... the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's................. pollution.

15. Happy the bride who.................. gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is..................... not much.

17. Two's company, three's.................... the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what................. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........... you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as........................ Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.................. spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed...................... get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you................... see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind.................... get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand..................................... is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than............................. pregnant.

Who says chemistry is easy!!!

Chemistry is Complicated ...

2 Guys Conversation in Bathroom During Test ..
G1 : You Gotta Help Me !
G2 : I Am Just here For Peeing . I can't Help During test

G1 : Please Dude ... I Am Gonna Fail
G2 : Okey Be Quick .. Ask Me ?

G1 : Whats Abbreviation For Nobelium ?
G2 : NO

G1 : But You Said You Will Tell Me...
G2 : NO !

G1 : Ok Leave it Tell me Whats Sodium ?
G2 : Na !

G1 : Damn Atleast Tell me Of Potassium ?
G2 : Hmm K !

G1 : What's Okay ?
G2 : Just K !

G1 : Whats Just OK ?
G2 : You Mean OK2 ?

G1 : Whats OK Too ?
G2 : Potassium Oxide ..

G1 : Oxide ?
G2 : O

G1 : Oh ! What ??
G2 : Oxygen

G1 : Damn Not Oxygen I Asked For Potassium ?
G2 : K

G1 : NO
G2 : Nobelium

G1 : Nobelium ?
G2 : NO

G1 : Just Give Me The Bonus Question Answer . Whats Element166 ?
G2 : Uhh

G1 :Go On ?
G2 : UHH

G1 : UHH ??
G2 : Exactly

G1 : NO WHAT IS IT ???
G2 : Nobelium

G1 : Damn For God Sake At least Tell me For URANIUM ?
G2 : That's U !

G1 : I Know That's Up to Me ... But I Am Asking Your Help
G2 : U !

G1 : NO YOU !!!
G2 : Nobelium . Uranium

G1 : You Are An A$$
G2 : URANIUM (U) ARGON (AR) NITROGEN (N) Arsenic (AS)
U AR N AS

G1 : You Are An A$$
G2 : Exactly !!

G1 : Baaah !!!
G2 : Barium ! ....

I bet I know what it is

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Comments made by NYC teachers

Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When tour daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t here.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is gone.

Same Old Story

He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.

The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said,
"The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden.
And the same old bed.".

When examining it he found a young girl under the bed
The young man got alarmed and said,
"Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it".

The old man said,
"And the same old story"!

Fuckhauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it is Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

Smart Principal

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Where's the p?

Kid: Teacher can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: You have to say your ABC's first
Kid: Ok,
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u, v,w.x.y, and z
Teacher: Where's the p?
Kid: It's running down my leg!!

A Bush fan

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!