ID Proof

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Political Satire

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Free Pups

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a number of tiny creatures,  in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Advanced Medical Technology

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, “We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work.”

An Englishman said, “We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks.”

The German Man says, “That’s nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man’s body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks.”

The American says, “Well hell, that’s nothin’. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin’ for work!”

Collective Nouns

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably, because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a gathering of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not....... a Congress!

Politicians Lie

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Bill Clinton at the Pearly Gates

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Texas version of "Survivor"

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.

Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

21 Ways to be a good Democrat

• You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.


• You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.


• You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.


• You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.


• You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.


• You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.


• You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.


• You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.


• You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.


• You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.


• You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion Of The Christ for financial gain only.


• You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.


• You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.


• You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.


• You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.


• You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.


• You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.


• You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.


• You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.


• You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.


• You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today

• Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.


• The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.


• Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.


• "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs overseas.


• A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.


• Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.


• The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.


• Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.


• If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.


• A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.


• HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.


• Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.


• Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.


• Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.


• A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.


• Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.


• The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.


• You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.


• What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.


• Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Abby Column

Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator Secretary of State, you don't need him anymore.

Born Leader

The kids in the neighborhood held an election. The grownups were astonished that a four-year-old had been elected president.

"That boy must be a born leader," one dad observed. "How does it happen that all you bigger boys voted for him?"

"Well, you see, Dad," one lad replied, "he cannot very well be secretary because he does not know how to write. He would not do for treasurer because he is not able to count. He would never do for sergeant-at-arms because he is too little to throw anybody out. If we did not choose him for anything, he would feel bad. So we made him president."

Politics Defined

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.

MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

Gold Urinal

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....

Gender roles in Kabul

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul, and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

Reading - Only one of them knows it

WATCH THE BOOK WITH GEORGE BUSH

HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2025

• President Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italian Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi.
• Dhoom 17 ready for release.
• I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar
• Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage.
• Mein To Ab Bhi Jawan Hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit.
• After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of 'Jhoom Barabar Jhoom' .
• Petrol Rs. 999/= per ltr.
• Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes and Baa has completed 400yrs.
• Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea.
• Navjot Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host & the Guest too..
• Riots in the Parliament as the newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat and Rakhi Sawant enter the assembly.
• Maruti launches its new Hovercraft 'SX-25'. Honda, Toyota and Tata to follow.
• A cap found in Mithi river - Sources say it belonged to a species called Himesh Reshammiya....

A conversation in the Oval Office

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.

Five weeks pregnant

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious...Here she is in the middle of her campaign .... now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

'How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?'

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, 'Did you hear me?'

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, he asks:

' Who's speaking?'