Speak softly !

A farmer brought a Rooster home. As soon as the rooster entered the farm, he started screwing all the 200 hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunch, Rooster screws all the 200 hens again.

The farmer is becoming uncomfortable and worried now.

The next day, he sees that the Rooster doing it to the ducks, geese & a goat too.

Finally, the farmer sees the Rooster lying on the ground, weak and pale, half-dead & vultures circling over it's head.

The Farmer rebukes him and says "You deserved it, didn't you, you horny desperate idiot.!!

The Rooster opens one eye, and pointing towards the sky, says
"Sssshh ! Speak softly ! Just let them land!"

Pimp My Ride

Camouflage

Not so Stupid Monkey

A man walks in a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down and orders a drink, meanwhile the monkey is running around all over the place and jumps up on a pool table. He grabs the 8 ball, shoves it into his mouth and swallows it hole.

"Holy crap!" says the bartender, completely livid. He says to the man, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"

"Nope. What did he do this time?" says the man.

"He just swallowed one of the balls off the pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him 'cause he's been driving me nuts" says the man.

After finishing his drink, the man leaves.

A few weeks later the man returns to the bar with his monkey. After ordering a drink, the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. Up on the bar, he monkey finds some peanuts. He grabs one out of the bowl, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your stupid monkey did this time?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the man.

"He stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the man. "Ever since he ate that pool ball he measures everything first!"

Monday Blues

I'll bet you're sorry

As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.

"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.

"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."

POOF: The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse "woof."

"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"

POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who had now turned into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man she had ever seen, more handsome than she could possibly have imagined.

She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.

He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Mounting A Camel

Elephants and Monkeys

Why do Elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

Monday Blues

Family Reunion

Viagra - Now for animals too

Hungry Monkey - HAHAHAHA

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

What’s the trick?

The Special Israeli army unit was crossing the desert and most of the men were on camels. Lt. Shalom had a very stubborn camel, and finally it stopped dead in its tracks and refused to move another step. The rest of the unit moved on, leaving Shalom along with his mulish camel.
Shalom sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge.
He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Shalom explained to her that the camel wouldn’t budge.
“Oh, I can fix that,” she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel’s belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute.
Lt. Shalom was astounded. “Ma’am, what did you do? What’s the trick?”
“Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his privates.”
“Well, miss, you’d better tickle mine too, because I’ve got to catch that camel!”

Crunchy Bird

"Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?"

"Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!"

"I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron.

"Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti.

"Wow," says the customer, "can I try?"

"Be my guest," the bartender replies.

The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but behind the bar.

Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!"

He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent.

Then the bully notices the bird and says, "What the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?"

"That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob.

The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my a*s!"

The Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Determination

Online Chatting

Cat Matrix

Camouflage

A Cowboy Dog

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"