Polish Wife

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

Late night news

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?

In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?

In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"

In Poland they say
"It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

Why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.

After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Polish Soldier

Three soldiers, An American, a German and a Polish in the Persian Gulf war were captured by the Iraqi army and thrown into a prison.

When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:

“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”

A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.

The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:

“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”

I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

African Roulette

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time.

There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.

"My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.

It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.

Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief

when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.

Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country.

The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful,

naked young women."

To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.

This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a bl*wjob."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."

The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a cannibal."

Political Postage Stamp

A politician wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and he was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.

The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Polish Blonde

A blonde goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at her and says, "Are you Polish?"

The blonde, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?“

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, " Because you're at Home Depot."

Polish Woman

What's the difference between a polish woman and a pizza?
You can choose with or without mushrooms on the pizza!

Great Depression

During the great depression, an Irishman, an Italian and a Pole are working on a the upper floors of a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down next to one another on the edge of an I-beam to eat their lunch.

One day, they take out their lunch pails. The Irishman looks at his lunch, disgusted. "I swear, if I get corned beef on Rye for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." But he glumly eats his lunch anyway.

Next, the Italian pulls out his lunch, and curses. "If I get a meatball sub one more time, I swear, I'm going to jump off this building." But he still bites into the sandwich.

Finally, the Polish guy opens his pail. "If I get perogies one more time, I swear I'm going to jump off this building," he says.

So the next day, the three of them sit down for lunch. The Irishman looks in his pail, sees another corned beef on rye, and promptly jumps. The Italian opens his pail, sees a meatball sub, and lets himself fall off the building. And the Pole looks at his lunch, sees that it's perogies, and jumps himself.

At the combined wake the next night, the wives of the three men discuss their husbands.

"I don't understand!" the wife of the Irishman says. "If only he had told me not to make him Corned Beef on Rye, I could have made him something else!"

The wife of the Italian sighs. "I could have made him spaghetti, or a caprese--I could have made him anything, if only he had asked!"

The wife of the Pole, on the other hand, was simply confused. "I don't understand," she said. "He always packed his own lunch!"

What so funny?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

Lie-Clocks

Dick Cheney’s personal chef died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the senator, “whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible,” said Rumsfeld. “And whose clock is that one?” St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Hey, out of curiosity, where’s Dick Cheney’s clock?” asked the chef.
“Cheney’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

What part of Lesbia

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Do you want me to start?

A blonde was telling her priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

Are you Polish

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and asks, “Are you Polish?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?” Raising his voice, he continues, “Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk quietly replies, “Um, because this is Home Depot.”