How dare you fart?

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

Bowl of Chili

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie, Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Deer Hunting

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer
from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."
The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.
He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

Cowboy at Restaurant

A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to their needs until they reached their destination. Following the unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order.

"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here."

Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a f*cked duck, make sure it's f*cked, f*ck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse sh*t, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a c*nt, there must be a wh*re in the house."

A Cowboy Dog

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late one afternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for the horse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog's fate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the the following morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his last request is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is brought by the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion and whispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runs through the Indian village and over the hill. This does not particularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know what to do with the dog anyway.

At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied by some two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say the braves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboy that his stake burning was being postponed as they were all too tired from partying.

The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, "in gratitude for furnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you another request before you are burned at the stake in the morning." Again the cowboy requests to see his faithful dog. When the dog is brought forth the cowboy again strokes and pets his companion and whispers into his ear, "this may be my last chance Rex, so please get it right this time --- go to town and get the posse!"

Bravado

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”

The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”

The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.

Snoring Ralph

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Ralph because he snores so badly. They decide it isn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns.

The first guy sleeps in with Ralph and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ralph snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was an older cowboy sort, a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

Fred says, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ralph into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night. Ralph sat up and he watched me all night. I slept like a baby."

Would you like the bridal?

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?

Listening to the ground

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

Liked the sermon?

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Appropriate attire for worship

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.

"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher again approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."

I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”

Cowboy Insurance

A cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever had an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents?"

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, a rattler bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Nope! The varmint bit me on purpose!"

Stong enough for man, but made for woman

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”
The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.
The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”
The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”

Would you like the bridal?

A cowboy and his new bride check into a motel. The cowboy explains to the desk clerk that they were just married that morning.
“Would you like the bridal?” the clerk asks them.
“No thanks,” the cowboy answers. “I’ll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.”?

What happened in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.


He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk all the way home.”

The New Bull

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new bull nearly did me in today, partner."
"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."
"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

Name is Secret

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. “But what the heck,” he says to himself, I really want a drink.”


When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your um, little friend?” The cowboy says, Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink.”

The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your little friend. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It.’ That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because ‘It really Satisfies’.”

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “TIMEX. You can guess why.”

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella’s on his right and says, ” So, what do you guys call yours?”

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, “FORD, because Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford, lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY … Like A Rock!”.

The cowboy, desperate for a beer after weeks of riding on the trail, thinks for a minute.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, “The name of mine is Secret. Now give me my damn beer!”

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, “Why Secret?”

The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”