Inconsolable

In a rich residential colony, all daughters-in-law once decided to send their mothers-in-law for outing and picnic for a change. Accordingly, they hired a bus and packed their mothers-in-law for a good time.

As luck would have it, the bus met with an accident and all the ladies died. There was chaos in the colony and the women were weeping for the deceased. One woman in particular, was crying bitterly and could not be solaced by others.

One daughter-in-law asked: “Were you really that close to your mother-in-law?”

The woman: “It’s not that. She got late and was left behind.”

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Online Dating Reality Check

If your gut has ever told you that an online dating site profile you’ve read was full of sh*t… you were most likely right. Women fudge their profiles big time, but you can stay one step ahead of them by knowing the truth behind what their profiles say.

“Occasional smoker” – If she could fit an entire pack of cigarettes in her mouth, light it on fire, and inhale until her lungs explode… she would. And she would then proceed to spend the Linkrest of her non-smoking time yammering on about how she needs to quit smoking once and for all, and this time she means it!

“Occasional drinker” - She’s the one at parties that spends the first half of the night bent back with a funnel full of 140 proof whiskey being tossed down her pie hole; and the second half with her fat and only friend holding her hair back while she projectile vomits into the host’s shower stall.

“I like to have fun” – Means she never has any fun, has no friends or hobbies, and hopes you’re going to introduce her to all of your fun friends and take her to all of your fun parties and events so she can finally have a life.

“I’m goal oriented” - She will tell you every day about her desperate desires for a better job, and complain that she is above her current job, but will never actually get a better job because she enjoys whining about her current pathetic state of affairs too much.

“Looking for a committed relationship” - She is severely insecure and will prove it to you by asking you about every single place you go, person you see and web site you visit, bar none. She would implant a GPS tracking device in your neck if she could… sleep tight!

“Body Size: Average” – The rolls of fat hanging out the sides of her shirt that are remarkably similar in appearance to when you pop open a new pack of unbaked Pillsbury bread sticks “are natural and you’re just going to have to accept them” (along with their ever increasing growth in size).

“Height: Prefer Not To Say”- She’s either troll short with those stumpy little legs swishing together as she walks trying to keep up with you; or so tall that unless you’re Shaq it would be like f*cking a giraffe.

“I am career minded” - Every day she will fill you in on every microscopic, mind numbingly boring, blow by blow description of her monotonous low-paying job in such painstaking detail that you will be rummaging through the closets and drawers for something to hang yourself with.

“Likes to travel”- Everyone loves to travel. But when she says it, it means she enjoyed that trip to Disney Land Florida with her folks when she was twelve. She’ll then drone on about all the places she wants to go to, but never will. Like all inclusive trips to Cuba where she can discover her alcoholic binge drinking tendencies and rendezvous with strange men for unbridled promiscuous sex in your absence.

“He must be well off” - She doesn’t in fact make any money herself, but has spectacularly expensive taste and needs someone else to shovel an endless supply of cash her way so that she can explore the deepest and darkest corners of her consumerism fantasies without restraint.

“Sometimes I do drugs”- If you connected all the needle marks on that constellation of horrors on her arm, you could form a recreation of the Little Dipper! If you do meet her in person and she gives you a fantastic bl*w-job, you can thank her for her hours of practice on the glass pipe. But you won’t be thanking her for that weeping puss filled blister at the tip of your prick.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1.The Optimist
- "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

2.The Pessimist
- "No! No! No!"

3.The Confused
- "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"

4.The Asthmatic
- written rendition of gasping

5.The Sprinter
- "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"

6.The Religious
- "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!

7.The Mathematician
- "More! More! More! More!

Upset stomach

A woman went to see a Doctor, complaining of an upset stomach.

The Doctor asked "What did you have for dinner last night?"

"Oysters," she replied.

"Were the oysters fresh?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady.

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"Oh my god," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

Packing Men VS Women

Discuss with your wife

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but.... your p*nis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it. "

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new p*nis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, did you speak to your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

Charm school?

Two ladies were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me."

The second one says, "Oh, that's nice! That's very, very good!"

The first one says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?"

The second one says, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school."

The first one says, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?"

The second one says, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a f*ck,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's good! That's very, very good!"!'"

Where the hell are you jerk ?

Wife: Where the hell are you jerk ?

Husband : Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said "baby it'll be yours one day"

Wife: Yeah I remember my love !

Husband: I am in the pub just next to that shop!

Was it my friend

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

How a man can tell if a woman has PMS

1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."
10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"
13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll squish your tiny head" gesture.
15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
17. Everyone around her has an attitude problem .
18. She is adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.
20. You are suddenly agreeing to everything she says.
21. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
23. She is convinced there's a God and he's male.
24. She is counting down the days until menopause.
25. She's sure that everyone is scheming to drive her crazy.

Respect

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage . He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well," the husband says, "there is one thing."

"What is that?" says the wife

"A bl*w job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blo* job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a bl*w job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says,
"Yes, right here. Hold on a moment. Here, c*cksucker, it's for you."

You're the first one

The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Joe, when she burst into tears .

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," Joe said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," Sarah replied.

"The first one to make love to you?" Joe asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway....

Think before you speak..... gr8 moments by a ladies..

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the stories of a few people who did....

FIRST STORY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND STORY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'


THIRD STORY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH STORY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH STORY:
Have you ever asked your child a question one too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST STORY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Haricut - Men and Women

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

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NOW TWO MEN TALKING
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Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

Mate Match

The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously): "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah"

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No"

DJ: "Good"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?"

Sarah: "In the a*s...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

Two housewives in Coffee Bar

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responed, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"

Similarities between Wife & Exams

1. Lots of Questions
2. Difficult to Understand
3. Always require Detailed Explanation
4. Results always UNEXPECTED

What is a WIFE?

1. another man's stupidity;

2. someone who is too pretty for words - but not for arguments;

3. a great reassurance during her husband's troubles - those, that as a bachelor, he would never have had;

4. a lady with a whim of iron;

5. a person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not;

6. the one person with whom there is no point arguing, if you win - you lose;

7. a woman who uses the technique of angling - each think the best one got away;

8. a woman who can be branded intelligent when she sees through her husband - she's understanding when she sees him through;

9. what a man blames things on when he can't figure a way to blame the govt;

10. a woman who can spot a another woman's hair on her husband's coat from twelve feet away but can never see a fire plug when she parks;

11. a woman who would rather mend your ways than your socks;

12. a woman who, in the same breath, can complain she has nothing to wear, and is bemoaning she needs more closet space;

13. a spouse who always feels she doesn't dance enough;

14. a woman who has ambiguity in her roles when her husband finds her a wh*re in the kitchen and a cook in the bedroom;

15. a person who only lasts as long as a marriage - an ex-wife is forever!