An Army Guy and Two Marines

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.
Sure enough, two marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”
So the Army guy responds, “Thats the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read.”
The other Marine growles, “What did you say!?!”
The Army guy responds, “Thats the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear.”
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender askes what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, “Thats the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights.”

You may be a “Redneck Marine” if

• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’re turned on by a woman who can change a Hummer tire.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you drive around a mall parking lot for fun.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you still duct tape your gloves on.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you think that the Marlboro Man is sexy.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you would really walk a mile just to get a Camel cigarette.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you raised the Confederate Flag in the bed of your USMC Attack Hummer whenever you would go into battle.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your whole family back home couldn’t wait for the Saturday night square dance.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you refer to your USMC Oshkosh Truck as if it had a legal first name.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you’ve ever been given a gun as a present.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if flannel is your second favorite color next to Marine cammies.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if the make, year, and color of your USMC Hummer are obscured by a layer of mud.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you collect bumper stickers for a hobby.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife has ever taken two pairs of shoes to a funeral: one pair to trudge through the wet Georgia red clay between the house and the pick’em up truck, and the other pair to wear at the funeral.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if there has ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your momma and sister frequently bath with the Hogs.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if back home your father would walk the cock like a dog.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if any of your children learned to make realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you had on several occasions to stop a leak in your flat bottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had to chase the water moccasins out of your boat while you are illegally gator hunting at night.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you are still paying for your wife’s last hair care professional appointment in weekly installments.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if all the fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recognize your wife…. and wave to her.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have ever removed the zoom scope from your deer rifle so you could voyeur the 12 year old girl next door.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your pick’em up truck.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have had sex on numerous occasions in the back of your USMC Hummer, species yet unidentified.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if more than one of your relatives have been arrested for having sex with farm animals.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have served more time in the Marine Corp Brig than in active service.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you tried to shove a pugil-stick up your opponents ass.
• You may be a ‘Redneck Marine’ if you have been arrested by the MP’s for spying in the Marine Women’s Shower.

Military Warning Labels

“Aim towards the Enemy.” -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” -Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” -Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” -U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” -Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” -U.S. Army Ordnance

“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” -Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” –David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” -Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” -Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.” -Anon

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” -Unknown Marine Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” -Your Buddies

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop