I think my wife is having an affair

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

That's amazing!

Paddy weighs 250lbs, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks - and, you should loose 20lbs."

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 80lbs.

"That's amazing!" the doc said.

Paddy nodded, "I'll tell you, I thought I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day."

"What, from hunger?" said the doc.

"No, from the damn skipping!"

Irish Girl Sun Bathing

Are you Irish?"

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?"

The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

"Because you're in a blooming shoe shop," replied the assistant.

Blarney Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.’
‘OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.’
‘For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.’

The ripe old age

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Irish Yoga

What is an Irishman

An Irishman is a man who? 

• May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope... 
• Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast..... 
• Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies... 
• Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be..... 
• Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.... 
• Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for countryman.... 
• Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland..... 
• Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighborhood... 
• Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.... 
• Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors.... 
• Scorns money, but worships those who have it... 
• Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor...

Three Wishes of Irishman

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Conan O'Connor

Conan O'Connor was considered the most clever man in Ireland.

He had won many quiz shows and was encouraged by family and friends to enter the English Mastermind Championships.

He applied and was selected. On they eve of the competition, Conan places himself on the hot seat with the spot light on his face.

The quiz-master asked says, 'What subject are you studying?'

Conan answered, 'Irish History'.

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'Your first Question: in what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Conan says, 'Pass.'

'OK,' says the quiz-master, 'Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?'
Conan answers, 'Pass.'

'All right,' says the quiz-master, 'How long did the Easter Rising Last?'
Conan again says, 'Pass,'

Instantly, a voice shouts from the audience, 'Good man Conan....tell the English nothing....'

Not So Secret Agent Murphy

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer. "As it happens, there's a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code: "The sun is shining ... the grass is growing ... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy. He's in the village over the other direction."

St. Patrick

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

"The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."

So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your friends were trying to tell me."

Green side up

A real estate agent is showing a new four-storey house to an affluent young couple, who are somewhat bewildered by his behavior. On every landing, the estate agent stops, opens the window, and shouts out: "Green side up!". Finally, the young couple ask him why.

"I've got some Irishmen laying down the new lawn," he explains, "and I've got to make sure they do it right".

Symbolize Christmas

Three men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from wales reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Irishman replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Irish Pubs

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best.

You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says,"..yeah.

That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.

In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Best toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, great & what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.'

A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman

A Cuban, a Scot, a Spaniard, and an Irishman are sharing a carriage on a train to Belfast.

The Cuban lights up this enormous Cuban cigar, takes one short drag from it and flings the cigar out the window.

The other three look at him in amazement and ask why he just threw out a full Cuban cigar.

He says, "I'm from Cuba, we have thousands of those things back home."

The Scot pulls out a litre bottle of Bells Whiskey, a 50 year-old bottle, takes a short measure glass, half fills it, knocks it back and flings the remainder of the bottle out the window.

The other three are in shock, ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of fine malt Scottish whiskey??!!

He replies, "I'm Scottish, we have thousands of those things at home."

The Spaniard pulls out a flagon of red wine, a 100 year-old classic. He takes a couple of sips, licks his lips, and flings the remainder of the wine out the window.

The other three ask him why he just threw away a near full bottle of classic wine, he replies, "I'm Spanish, I have thousands of those things back home."

The Irish then grabs the Spaniard and throws him out of the window.

Irishman in a 4 engine jumbo jet

People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,  "Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here all day!!"

Is that bet still on?

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.

One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?"

The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."