Insult

When Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. 

'Your mother insulted me,' she sobbed.

 'My mother?' spluttered Roger, 'How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?' 

 'I know.' Norma gulped, 'But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.' 'And?' 'At the end of the letter it was written: Dear Norma , When you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son, Roger.'

Inconsolable

In a rich residential colony, all daughters-in-law once decided to send their mothers-in-law for outing and picnic for a change. Accordingly, they hired a bus and packed their mothers-in-law for a good time.

As luck would have it, the bus met with an accident and all the ladies died. There was chaos in the colony and the women were weeping for the deceased. One woman in particular, was crying bitterly and could not be solaced by others.

One daughter-in-law asked: “Were you really that close to your mother-in-law?”

The woman: “It’s not that. She got late and was left behind.”

TRUE mother-in-law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

What happened to her

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.

Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

"Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

What am I going to do with you?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the
noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"

I just buried my mother-in-law

Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.
I just buried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

Mother-in-law

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

Fisherman

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.

Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.

In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,

"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said,

"Oh, I thought it was my wife but this is my mother in law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,

"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Food poisoning

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far.

He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.

The first lifeguard says, "Why are you holding me back?

We have to go save that woman."

"Don't worry", the other replies. That woman is my mother in law."

"Are you trying to kill her?"

"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent.

Just watch."

With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.

"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.

"Every species have strategies to eliminate risks of food poisoning."

What are we going to do?

A game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother in law.

One morning, while deep in the forest, the wife awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother in law was backed up against a big rock, and a large lion stood right in front of her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband.

"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Love Marriage v/s Arranged marriages

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and drinking. The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step - daughter and married her, so my father became my son - in - law and I became my father's father - in - law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..

The Indian fainted and caught the next flight to Mumbai....

He must pay for his mistake

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”.

Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”

Mother-in-law

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

How can I possibly repay you?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,' I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Safari with mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said: "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Three Wishes

A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie.
Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE."
First wish: "I would like one billion dollars."
Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion."
Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece."
Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands."
Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death."

True mother-in-law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "This man must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the true mother-in-law!"

I recognized the laugh

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!"