Conclusion?

Martin goes to the church and meets the priest. The priest asks about Martin’s welfare and Martin says: “Father, I am all confused and scared.”

Father: “Why Martin, what’s going on?”

Martin: “My wife is trying to kill me. She is giving me poison.”

Father: “That can’t be true. You are imagining things Martin. However, if it gives you any solace, I will talk to your wife and I am sure we will find out the truth. Together we will come out of it. Come to me on next Sunday after sermon.”

Came Sunday and Martin went to see the Father.

Father: “Well now Martin, I spoke to your wife at length on two occasions for more than five hours. You want to hear my conclusion?”

Martin: “Yes father.”

Father: “Take that poison.”

What do you think my reward might be?

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

Distraction

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her bre@sts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her bre@sts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Perfect Man

Joseph, the preacher had a question for the people in the church. "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. If anybody has ever known a perfect woman, Please raise your hand."

No one reacted.

He then asked, "Is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"

Albert, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?" the preacher asked, somewhat surprised.

"Uh, I didn't know him personally," replied Albert, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Special Offer This Week

Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided to change his religion. He joined a priest in a church as his assistant.

One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, He called Santa D'Costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him.

Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: " I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times"

Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times"

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Santa: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Santa: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once"

Santa: "Go do it two more times; we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00"

Same Thing

A guy enters a confessional booth in a church and says to the priest with guilt..........
"I had an affair....almost"

The priest says "what do you mean.........almost?"

The guy says "well we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped"...

"In the eyes of the lord rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in" says the priest..'
"for your penance say 5 hail Marys and put some money in the poor box".

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers.................then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment..... then starts to leave.....!!!!

The priest seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says,"you didn't put any money in the poor box".

The guy stops and says'.............

"yeah but I rubbed the money on the box, and in the eyes of the lord that's the same thing as putting it in"....... ........

Satan and the Old Man

A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.

"Nope," says the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan

"Don't doubt it for a minute."

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.

"Yep."

"And you're still not afraid

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A Miracle

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.

He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.

"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.

Angels Singing

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."

The confessional box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".