Classified Dead

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

An Army Guy and Two Marines

An Army guy is sitting at a bar wearing a shirt that says “Marines suck”.
Sure enough, two marines walk up.
One of the Marines says, “WHAT DOES THAT SHIRT SAY!?!?!?!”
So the Army guy responds, “Thats the first thing I hate about Marines, they cant read.”
The other Marine growles, “What did you say!?!”
The Army guy responds, “Thats the second thing I hate about Marines, they cant hear.”
Then the first Marine demands that they take this outside.
Two minutes later the Army guy walks back into the bar unharmed. The bartender askes what happened to the two Marines.
The army guy responds, “Thats the third thing I hate about Marines, they bring knives to gunfights.”

Any questions?

The mess sergeant was lecturing about waste. “You men have got to make better use of our leftovers. For instance, what can we do with left-over carrots?”

Nothing but puzzled shrugs came from the men.

“OK, so you can’t figure R. You can make carrot pie. That’s what you can do with leftover carrots. Doesn’ it make sense?”

The sergeant paused to give them a chance to absorb his words. Then he asked, “Any questions?”

A hand was raised and a voice asked, “Sir, what can you do with the leftover pie?”

Dog Wars

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund.

But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

West German Army

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short, fat, very un-martial young man.

So every morning before he woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of the game; it wasn’t very much fun because the cook never reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to mend their ways.

The cook heard them out, then said, “You are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I will stop pissing in your coffee.”

Why is everybody rushing?

The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert..He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I don’t see a single woman.”
“You’ll see,” the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
I see what you mean, but I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?”
“What?‚ exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”

Five cannibals at an air base.

Five cannibals get jobs as contractors at an air base.
During their orientation, the First Sergeant says, “You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the chow hall for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other personnel”.
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the First Sergeant returns and says, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Airmen has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?”
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the First Sergeant has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, “Which of you idiots ate the Airman?”
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Lieutenants, Captains and Majors and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat an Airman!”

The 10 Commandments of a Military Wife

1. Thou shalt not write in ink in thy address book.
2. Thou shalt not covet choice assignments of other uniformed branches of serivce.
3. Love thy neighbor.
4. Honor thy Commissary and Exchange as long as they both shall live.
5. Thou shalt not ridiclue a local politician, for mighty senators from local politicians grow.
6. Thou shalt look for the best in each assignment, though the best might be “Most childhood diseases in one year”, or “Record snow in one months time.”
7. Thou shalt remember all thy friends on all thy assignments with a Christmas Card, for thou never knowest when thou may wish to spendeth a night with them while enroute to a new post/base.
8. Be kind and gentle to retired, white haired Exchange and Commissary customers, because thou too will be a retiree someday.
9. Thou shalt not curse thy husband when he’s on TDY on moving day.
10. Thou must never arrive at a new post/base and constantly brag about how much better everything was at the last post/base

Military Officer Fitness Reports

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

What's His Problem

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous er*ction.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yes sir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

That's it

A sergeant noticed that one of the privates was behaving oddly. The private would pick up any piece of paper he found, sulk and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the sergeant arranged to have the private psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the private was mentally ill, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The private picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Old Soldiers

1. Can cuss for a full ten minutes without ever repeating a word.
2. Know that “Cav” is an abnormal condition that can be cured with testosterone shots.
3. Can remember when there were real NCOs in the Army.
4. Will fight with bayonets and E-tools just to save ammo.
5. Wear Corcoran jump boots in garrison just in case they have to kick the shit out of some loudmouthed MP.
6. Have eyes in the backs of their heads.
7. Can see in the dark.
8. Would rather be a squad leader than a general.
9. Have wet dreams about leading a parachute assault on Baghdad.
10. Still don’t trust the Russians.
11. Still hate the French.
12. Will take vacation time just to make a pilgrimage to see Iron Mike.
13. Know who Iron Mike is.
14. Don’t give a damn about being politically correct.
15. Don’t know how to be politically correct.
16. Think that “politically correct” should fall under “sodomy” in the UCMJ.
17. Love deploying to combat because there’s less paperwork.
18. Can be found eating and bunking with the troops.
19. Can remember the “daily dozen.”
20. Can remember running PT in boots.
21. Have enough “fruit salad” on their greens to be Mexican field marshals.
22. Have enough time in service to retire as captains.
23. Think it’s cool to teach their kids how to do “SPORTS.”
24. Do not fear women in the military.
25. Would actually like to date GI Jane.
26. Are convinced that “wall-to-wall counseling” really works.
27. Think that Bradley crewmen are emasculated infantrymen.
28. Know that tankers exist in order to allow the enemy to deplete its basic load of sabot ammunition.
29. Know where the “Green Ramp” is.
30. Can remember who their “Ranger Buddy” was.
31. Know that there’s a difference between “giving orders” and “going through the orders process.”
32. Think that “slides” involve ropes and snap links.
33. Don’t like taking orders from a guy who couldn’t get a DD 214.
34. Still know how to PMCS a buffer.
35. Can field strip an M1 Garand, although an M14 is an authorized substitute.
36. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny.
37. Know that most of life’s problems can be solved by applying the eight steady hold factors.
38. Know that the US Military was too stupid to have assassinated Kennedy.
39. Believe that “Nuts” wasn’t exactly all that BG McAuliffe said to the Krauts at Bastogne.
40. Think that we should develop nuke rounds for the M203.
41. Know the true meaning of the word Hooah.
42. Want both “Cross of Iron” and “Saving Private Ryan” to be training films.
43. Don’t know how to use a “stress card.”
44. Idolize John Wayne.
45. Know why you should carry two field dressings on your LBE.
46. Would rather have a “mad minute” than a “VTC.”
47. Shudder when they hear “Garry Owen.”
48. Know that the vertical buttstroke is not a sexual position.
49. Don’t believe that “AAFES” needs a “commander.”
50. Don’t need “leadership tabs” to know when they’re in charge.
51. Can pass a PT test slobbering drunk.
52. Can remember when two boys in bed together was wrong.
53. Don’t have to “do a Lewinski” to get a “one block.”
54. Don’t give a damn if they get a “one block.”
55. Won’t brief it if it’s too complicated to fit on a few 3 x 5 cards.
56. Would have paid money to watch Custer getting his clock cleaned.
57. Believe troops don’t really want the “Single Soldier Initiative.”
58. Really don’t like taking crap from those who haven’t “been there.”
59. Believe that “RHIP” was invented by individuals who couldn’t lead their way out of a field latrine.
60. Know how to properly construct a field latrine.
61. Can set the headspace and timing on a “fifty” by touch alone.
62. Know how to do a “daisy chain.”
63. Enjoy heating MREs with C4.
64. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their asses kicked.
65. Aren’t afraid of the Chinese, who probably still don’t have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan.
66. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP4.
67. Know that the new OER system is as screwed up as the old one.
68. Think that the neutron bomb would be appropriate for the Bosnia scenario.
69. Realize that Reagan won the Gulf War.
70. Don’t believe a damn thing the Iraqis say.
71. Want to be like Teddy Roosevelt.
72. Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
73. Know that “napalm” is really called “incendi-gel.”
74. Don’t need a GPS to find themselves.
75. Think of Army aviators as guys who wear pajamas to work.
76. Know that it really is possible to crawl inside a Kevlar when someone’s shooting at you.
77. Have enough extra TA-50 in their closets to start a surplus store.
78. Would love to own their own HMMWV.
79. Believe that SMA McKinney got caught.
80. Think that MREs taste good.
81. Would like to see what kind of creature “ham and chicken loaf” comes from.
82. Realize that there were no starving people in Somalia.
83. Can remember open bay barracks.
84. Believe that “combat power on the objective” is a bunch of crap.
85. Believe that killing the enemy isn’t.
86. Know that “accuracy counts,” especially in combat.
87. Know the Ranger Creed by heart.
88. Still have jungle fatigues in their closets.
89. Never count on the artillery in a clutch.
90. Believe that terrorists can be taken care of for 32 cents each (the cost of a 9mm round).
91. Would love to go to sniper school.
92. Have more time on a static line than most other soldiers have in the chow line.
93. Know what a “link count” is.94. Realize that volleyball is the most important subject taught at CAS3.
95. Know that it’s not real coffee if you can’t stand a track jack up in it.
96. Don’t need a “MCOO” to know where the enemy will come from.
97. Remember when the “men were men” and the “women were women.”
98. Don’t blame poor marksmanship on their M16.
99. Know that crappy leaders will always say they have crappy soldiers.

Barracks Door

General Smith got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open.
When leaving the room she said, “General Smith, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

Tactful

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

My wife wasn't used to it sir..!

In a party, a General proudly said that he did 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.

A Brigadier next to him said that he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

A Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.

General turned towards a young Lieutenant and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night..

Lieutenant replied: Only once sir.

General laughed loudly and asked: WHY??

Lieutenant replied: My wife wasn't used to it sir..!

Geronimo!

A paratrooper on his first jump was given the following instructions: Jump from the plane and yell “Geronimo!” Count to ten and pull the rip cord.

If main shoot doesn’t open, pull the auxillary cord. When you get down on the ground, a truck will pick you up and take you back to the base.

The paratrooper jumped and yelled, “Geronimo!” He counted to ten and pulled the rip cord. Nothing happened.

He then frantically pulled the auxillary cord. Nothing happened.

Then the paratrooper said to himself, “Damn, with my luck the truck won’t be there to pick me up either!”

Medal of Bravery

An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

“Warehouses!?” the soldier shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

Polish Soldier

Three soldiers, An American, a German and a Polish in the Persian Gulf war were captured by the Iraqi army and thrown into a prison.

When Saddam Hussein heard about them, he ordered the prison warden to execute all three of them by firing squad. When they heard the news,the American soldier, who shared the prison cell with the other two said:

“Look, I have an idea, these Iraqis are really nervous right now because of the war, so just before they shoot, scream something to divert their attention and that’ll give us a few seconds to get away.”

A few hours later, all three were taken to a yard where an execution squad was ready to carry out their orders. The American soldier was ordered to go and stand against a wall, and a few seconds later, the squad leader then ordered: “Ready! … Aim! …” when the American screamed in panic “EARTHQUAKE!! run!!!!”. The squad scattered around and ran for cover and that gave the American a chance to escape.

The squad then reassembled and the German soldier was ordered to go and stand against the wall and again the squad leader repeated the order, “Ready!…Aim!….” and the German guy shouted “LOOK OUT! BOMBS!!! Run!!”, and again the squad panicked and ran for cover which gave the German a chance to climb the wall and escape. A few minutes later the squad gathered again and the Polish soldier was ordered to stand against the wall and again, the squad leader shouted the order:

“Ready!… Aim! …” and the Polish soldier then yelled “FIRE!!…..”

American Soldier

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.

To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive.

They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth.

I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.

I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t!'

He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Obama is an unprincipled, lying piece of sh*t too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

Mexican - American Stand Off

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....