Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter makes the inspection.
The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.
St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

Symbolize Christmas

Three men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The man from wales reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Irishman replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Bill Clinton at the Pearly Gates

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Way to heaven

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the
kitchen...

Wings and Halo

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman’s shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I’ll go to the other place."

"You don’t want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"

"I don’t care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

An Australian, a Jew, and an Abo

Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly.
They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives.
Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left.
Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him.
"So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".

A Philosopher, A Mathematician and An Idiot

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a** hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

Three nuns and St. Peter

Three nuns die and are met at the pearly gates of heaven by St. Peter. "Before you enter, you must answer a skilled question." said St.Peter.

The nuns agree and St. Peter begins by asking the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"

"Oh , thats an easy one, that was Adam!" said the nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on and the nun walked up the stairs.

St.Peter asked the second nun, "Who was the first women on earth?"

"Oh, that's an easy one, that was Eve!" said the second nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on, and the nun walked up the stairs.

St.Peter asked the third and final nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun thought about the question for a long time, finally she shakes her head and replies, "That's a hard one".

And the gates opened, the lights came on...

St. Peter and the rich guy

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carryon bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Pearly Gates

A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident.

They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.

The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.

When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"

They're Carol's

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said,
"You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's".

Wedding in Heaven

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?

Devil vs Politician

Three men : a philosopher, a mathematician and a politician, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don`t know or cannot answer, then you`re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you`ll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates` teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

Politician then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat" The Devil did just that. Politician then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." Wrong," said politician, "it`s from my asshole."

Politician went to Heaven!

A Lawyer at pearly gates

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.

“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now beat it.”

Taxi Diver and Catholic Priest

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

A Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Congratulations for what

A Software Engineer dies in a car accident and finds himself at the heavens door "Pearly Gates". A beautiful music is being played and all angels are dancing around and singing his name. There is a huge crowd and everyone is screaming his name. The engineer is very delighted and surprised.

Then he sees "Saint Peter" rushing towards him and shakes his hand and says, "Congratulations my son, we have been waiting a very long time to meet you".

The engineer is very embarrassed and asks "Saint Peter, congratulations for what? I honestly didn't do much while I was alive. Then why is all this?"

Saint Peter totally amazed says, "Congratulations for what!!! We're celebrating the fact that you lived for 260 years! .... GOD himself wants to meet you!"

The engineer looks perplexed, "but Saint Peter, I only lived until 36 years"



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Saint peter is shocked "This is impossible son. We have added up all your timesheets !!!

Don't step on the ducks

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy brunette.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Low-fat diets

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter

. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"