You want my advice?

Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi

THAT'S the way to wave a towel

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

Old Rabbi and Young IRS

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

It doesn't matter what you wear

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

Who’s best at his job

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."