Funny One Liners

A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

Success is getting what you like, happiness is liking what you get.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

The trouble with a three-day weekend is that it turns Tuesday into Monday.

You think this is a free country until you move into a subdivision with a homeowners' association.

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we elect, we can exchange them.

If something goes without saying, let it!

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

You can't make your candle burn brighter by blowing out the other fellow's.

I was stopped once for going 53 in a 35 mile zone, but I told them I was dyslexic.

I figured out a way to slow down inflation. Turn it over to a government worker!

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Funny One Liners

** If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

** Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live.

** Constant change is here to stay.

** Buy one for the price of two and get another one free!

** Vanna White's in a rehab center. She's hooked on phonics.

** A watched clock never boils.

** A word to the wise is unnecessary.

** All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.

** I'd like to go to an assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife.

** The teacher asked my son, "If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how many will you have?" My son answered, "Five."

** Money isn't everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

** Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

** "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

** There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

** God made us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

27 Serious Funny One Liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
9. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
10. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired..
11. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
12. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
13. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
14. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
15. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
16. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
17. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
18. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
19. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
20. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
21. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
22. Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.
23. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
24. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
25. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
26. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
27. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

Dilbert Quotes

63% of all statistics are made up... including this one.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

All of your co-workers are fools. You must learn to pity and tolerate them.

An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

Change is good. You go first.

Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company.

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

Feedback is a business term which refers to the joy of criticizing other people's work. This is one of the few genuine pleasures of the job, and you should milk it for all it's worth.

Rejection line and what they actually mean

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

National Condom Week

List of possible slogans promoting national condom week

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go in heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her blouse, zip up your hose
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love
22. If you're gonna have it off, have it on

Ultimate Rejection Lines

... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.


... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater. 

... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.


... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

... I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros. 

... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum. 

... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis ...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth.

... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back ...and then find out it's the wrong one.


... I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

... Life is like a dick ... When it gets hard ... Screw it!


... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter ...and not a twist off either.

... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer ...and then wear wool socks...in August.

... I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.


... I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda.

... I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

More Hilarious One Liners

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband !

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway .

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me .

You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak .

One Liners - Gender

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her, They got married, and now he is going through hell.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Classic One Liners

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
5. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
14. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
19. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
20. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
22. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
24. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
25. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
26. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
28. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
29. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
30. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
31. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
33. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
34. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
36. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
37. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
41. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
42. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
43. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
44. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
45. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
47. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
48. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
49. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
50. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
51. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
52. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
55. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
56. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
57. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
58. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
59. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
60. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
61. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
62. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
63. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
64. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
66. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
67. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
68. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
69. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
70. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
73. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
74. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
75. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
76. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
77. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
78. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
79. When in doubt, mumble.
80. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
81. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
82. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
83. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
84. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
85. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
86. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
87. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
88. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
89. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
90. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
92. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
94. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
95. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
96. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
97. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
98. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
99. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
100. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

More One Liners

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he can take for it, but he can't get them out of the bottle.

My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.

I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny: He took my wallet, my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear.

My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.

Marry an orphan: You’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Ever wonder who the genius is who decided to put fire hydrants in all the good parking spots?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

Dilbert's one liners

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else!

Mans Heart

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high

Hilarious One Liners

• Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
• Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
• A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
• Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
• Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
• You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
• My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
• Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
• Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
• There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.

Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers to muse over...



If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says “Do you know how to drive this?”