Bar Room Chat Translations

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [male] (I'm gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [male] (I'm really gay.)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the f*ck out of the way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat arse. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, b*tch, like the sl*t you are.)

What's a Breathalyzer?

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol

Due to increasing products liability litigation, liquour manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your a*s kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Effecient Brain

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making  the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

What's a WIFE?

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, F@ck, Etc."

Hungry Snake

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Person's Personality Based on Drink

Female Drinks

She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.

She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.

She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.


Male Drinks

He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.

He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.

He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.

He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.

He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.

He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.

What kind of deal?

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."

"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.

Three Drunk Men

Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.....
the taxi driver figured that they were not in their right minds......
so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off after a while and told them : "we have arrived"......

The first man gave him money..... the second one thanked him.....
but the third one....he slapped the taxi driver.....
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them must have realized that the car didn’t move an inch..
so, he asked the third man: "what was that for?"
The third man replied: "control your speed.....  next time you got here so quick you almost killed us....."

The ripe old age

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

88 Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more attractive.
35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 .Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 .Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I'm home!
41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I'm as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. Do you take this woman..
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81.  Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb.. prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84. The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
fixtures.
85. When you feel drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
86. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
87. When you read about the evils of drinking, and give up reading.
88. When you feel reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk

# You spent Saturday night in jail for cow-pushing — with your Ford V-8

# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.

# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"

# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

# Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Burglar Broke into my House

Joe said to his group of friends at the bar, "You won't believe what happened last night. While I was drinking with you guys in the pub, a burglar broke into my house. "

One of his friends asked, "Oh God, did he get anything?"

Joe replied, “Yes he did - a bleeding nose, a broken jaw, four teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The missus thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Three Drunk Guys

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

Your sign fell down

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

Three Wishes of Irishman

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes.
The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up.
Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up.
A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Late night drinking

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

I bought something for the house

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked. He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Uninvited

Derek's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving.

During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.

'You know,' he confided to Derek, 'I wasn't even invited to this party.

I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.'

He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'

What's so funny

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"