Showing posts with label Indian Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Indian Jokes. Show all posts

American Indian

A Desi came to USA, settled with green card, got married from India, initiated the American life, bought a house and invited friends for the house warming party.

He was greeting all the incoming guests, introducing his wife, "LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK."

So a friend approached his wife and wanted to know how he should carry our his host friend's wishes.

The wife got angry and said, he means, "LIQUOR IS IN THE FRONT & POKER IS AT THE BACK."

Some More of Rajini Stuff

1. When Rajnikant was a Student¦!!!
Teachers use to Bunk the classes!!!

2. Rajnikant started college. All students were confused while taking admission because name of college is
"Rajnikant's Medical College of Engineering for Commerce".

3. THE MOST NEGLECTED FACT OF THE ENTIRE DECADE!!!!
Sachin Tendulkar's mothers name is RAJNI Tendulkar
And his coach's name is ramaKANT
Is there a need to say anything beyond this???

4. Rajinikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking - "Solve any 100 questions"
He solved all 150 and wrote, " Rascalla!, CHECK ANY 100!"

5.
Law of Conservation of Rajni
All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Ans: Dosa... mind it!!!

6.
Once a photo of Rajnikant was given for Xerox. Don't even try to guess what happened.
We got two copies of the Xerox machine.

7.
Once upon a time, Rajnikant used Tooth Powder to get strong teeth..
today that powder is known as
"AMBUJA CEMENT"

I made her scream for two long hours

Indians are Indian An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Indian says: "That's nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours, phenomenal!"

What did you do to make her scream for two hours??


Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains

An Indian goes to Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell , the Russian hell and many more.
He finds that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed,
And the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

The New Indian Movie on Corruption and Terrorism

Hero: Manmohan Singh

Heroine: Sonia Maino

Introducing: Rahul Vinci and Spanish Girl friend Veronique

Villain: A. Raja, Suresh Kal-muddy

Story: Karunanidhi

Dialogue: Arundhati Roy

Typists: Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi

Character Actor: Omar Abdullah

Comedy: Sharad, SM Krishna and Party Spokespersons

Producers: Sonia Maino, Ottavio Quatrochi

Dance Masters: Sheila Dixit & Jayanti Natarajan (inputs from Barkha Dutt)

Action: Mamata Banerjee

Sound: Manish Tiwari & Abhishek M Singhvi

Camera: Kapil Sibal

Wardrobe: Shivraj Patil

Cook: Pratibha Patil

Fighting Scenes: CPI (M)/DMK, Muslim League in association with ISI/LET

Stage/Lighting/Statue Making: Mayawati and BSP

Marketing and Propaganda: Communist Party of India (Also World Vision)

Public Relations: Nira Radia

Publicity: Diggvijay Singh

Media: Chindu, Toilet News Group

Promoter: Shahid Usman

Foreign promoter: David Coleman Headley

TV/Satellite Rights: Kalaignar TV

Financed By: People of India

Proceeds go to charitable causes:
1. John Dayal (AICC), missionaries in their conversion activities
2. Bangladesh illegal immigrants (to buy ration cards, housing and also to
procure arms)
3. Special funds to defend Afzal Guru and future terrorists.
4. Chinese Marxist organizations: Asha for Education, AID
________

Special Thanks to:
Khan-gress Party
Allies: CPI (Chinese Party of India)
Muslim league of Kerala
PFI, Islamic Caliphate of India,
Dravida Munetra Kazhagam (DMK)
Bangladeshis in India Party (BIP)
India for Jesus organization (IJO)
Naxalite party of India (NPI)

Serious Story

Ek Aadmi ko heart ki bimaari thi.
Doctor ne namak na khane ki salah di.
Uski biwi hamesha uska khayal rakhne lagi
Woh aadmi bhi bohut sawdhani barakne laga.
Samay pe khaana, sona, uthna khane me namak bilkul na lena , regular aur samay pe dawayi lena.
Par achaanak ek din subah who aadmi bathroom ke darwaje pe mara hua mila. Sab hairan the ki itni sawdhani ke baad aisa kaise ho gaya ?
Dr. ke report se pata chala………..
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Uske toothpaste main “Namak” tha!!!!!!!!!!!
Kya aapke Toothpaste mein “Namak” hain ?

Santa - Banta The Great

Gurdas Maan: Santa ji, aapke bhai ki shaadi mein kitne gaane gaane hain, us hisab se rate lagega?
Santa: 2-3 gaa kar peg shuru kar dena, baad mein sharabi baraat ne generator ki awaaz par hi naachte rehna hai
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∙ Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat
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∙ Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.
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∙ Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.
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∙ Jeeto: yelled at Santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!
Santa: Make up ur mind! Which one is it gonna be?
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∙ Santa to Pappu: Where's Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo.
Pappu: Who's Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.
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∙ An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.
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∙ Pappu was writing his father's name on a 1000 Watt bulb.
Santa asked him: What are you doing?
Pappu: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

∙ Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
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∙ Santa waitin at bus stop in UK along with 3 women.
When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more, no more
Santa: Saaleya Morniya char laiyan, meri wari no more
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∙ Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else.
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∙ A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out
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∙ Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
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∙ Santa: Yaar mein apni girlfriend nu gift dena hai, ki devan?
Banta: Gold ring de de.
Santa: Koi vadi cheez das yaar.
Banta: Tan fer MRF da tyre de de.
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∙ Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
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∙ Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paude thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.
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∙ Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!

Indian barmaid

An Indian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Indian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in India. - "Delhi", he tells her.
So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Paschim Vihar" he replies.
"That's amazing..... ...." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?" " S.V.P. Road" he replies.
This is unbelievable. ........" she says, her voice quavering.
"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this...... ",
She screams, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"

" I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25, 000 to give to you".

The only heaven on the Earth

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the

Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Pakistan, Russia, Germany and France ..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same"$10,000 Per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, thereWas the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it  read "One Rupee per call."
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign." Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest simply smiled and answered,
"You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call".
This is the only heaven on the Earth. :))

Love Marriage v/s Arranged marriages

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and drinking. The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step - daughter and married her, so my father became my son - in - law and I became my father's father - in - law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..

The Indian fainted and caught the next flight to Mumbai....

Mallu Jokes

Name the wonly part of the werld where Malayalis don't werk hard?
Kerala.

************ *

Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi.

************ *

Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thoobai, to meet his ungle in the Gelff.

************ *

Why do Malayali's go to the Gelff?
To yearn menney.

************ *

What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

************ *

What is a Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yay.

************ *

Why did his wife divorce him?
Because he was louwing another woman.

************ *

Who found out that?
His Andy.

************ *

What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

************ *

What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday?
An Oto.

************ *

Who is a Malayali's famous yeactor end yaectress?
Moghan lal, Mammooti, Geedha, Revadhi, Zilgsmidha end Ambiga.

************ *

Why is Kerala the most highly literate state in India?
Its easily giving Degree to get rid of the peapals from Kerala.

************ *

Why are Arab countries looking only for Keralites?
They are ready to do yennything for menney.

Some more Rajinikanth Jokes

1) Galileo used lamp to study..
Graham bell used candle to study
Shakespere studied in street lights
but, u know abt Rajnikanth?????????????
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Only Agarbatti!!!!!! :-)


2) Once Rajnikant bunkd the school …
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Since dat day is known as Sunday



3) The rough book used by rajnikant in his school days is today known as ...
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wikipedia-the encyclopedia


4) Why did Rajnikant buy an acre of Land with 4 wells in each corner???
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Ans. To Play Carrom!!!


5) rajnikant did his K.G frm 7 different places...
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Today those are known as 7 different IIT's...!!!


6) Rajnikanth went for a morning walk and in the afternoon Police arrested him....Y?
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Because he reached USA without Visa..


7) Rajnikant can watch movies from DVD without DVD player, without TV. How?
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by running it on his fingure

8) NASA doesn't exist anymore...
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Rajni bought all their rockets in Diwali

9) in 2008 rajni lost his wallet.....
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and the world went into recession!!!

10) Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and sees Rajni is already there…!!!

Santa at an IAS Interview

One young man went for an IAS Interview.

"When did India get independence?" He was asked.

"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.

"Who was responsible for our independence?"

"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"

"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainity only after seeing the report" He replied.

The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.


When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.

Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"

He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."

Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"

He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".

The interviewer was incensed.

"Hey! Are you mad or what?"

He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."

How to Identify different citizens of India

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.

That's MUMBAI

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Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on

their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.

You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!

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Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.

The first two get together and beat him up.

That's DELHI

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Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall.

That's AHMEDABAD

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Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.

He writes a software program to stop the fight.

But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.

That's BANGALORE

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Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.

A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this
nonsense..

Peace settles in...

That's CHENNAI

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Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth

and they start arguing about who's right.

You are in KOLKATA

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Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says,

"don't fight in front of my place, go zumwhere else and keep fighting".

That's KERALA !

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And the best one is ....

Scenario 9

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.

All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as
friends.

You are in DIU or Goa!!!

New Chairman for Microsoft Europe

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.
5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Arun Doshi an Indian (Gujrati) guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do notknow JAVA program to leave.2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself,'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing morethan 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself 'I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?'So he stays.

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave.
500 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat toleave. 498 people leave the room.
Arun says to himself, ' I do not speak oneword of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Arun turns to the other candidate and says `kem chhho'

The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'

Who is it?

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, andyour father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"

"Wrong!" Bush replies in disgust "it's Manmohan Singh!"

Nain bole to sunte nain

mere ghar main rahko..baatan amman bava ke kartain
yaan ka kha ko vaan ka garain..nain bole to sunte nain

munh par makeup thoop ko..jati umar ke pichhe mut bhago
gai so jawani phir nain aati..nain bole tu sunte nain

balon main chutla jode tu..banta hai dil ka jooda
laikin balan cut karvarain..nain bole tu sunte nain

unke balan kat hone tak..mere sir main ginti ke..
hain so balan jhad ko jarain..nain bole tu sunte nain

charbi chhat ko duble padh gain..yek hafte se tahel ko aain
chalte chalte dhaklian kha rain…nain bole tu sunte nain

jab puchha samdhi se main..kya samdhan ummid se hain
sharma ko bas itna bole..nain bole tu sunte nain