Height of work pressure

• I was flashing my ID card instead of  unlocking the house door with the keys.
• Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished, I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.
• I don't login to Facebook, YouTube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realized that, I am at home.
• Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "OK bye... in case of any issues will call you back".
• Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.
• After a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theater Screen.

So avoid working so hard!!!

Lastly...

Extreme Work Pressure
An employee opens his lunch box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office

Foul Language in Office

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28,

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending our more sensitive employees.


TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*tting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a*s.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a*s.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Screw it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a*s.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh*t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b*tch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

How to get appraisal

A newly joined trainee asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?"
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign!"

Lesson in Logic

A fresh computer graduate from a world- class University, goes for an interview in a software company.

The interviewer is a grubby old man. And the first question he asks Fresh Computer Graduate is, 'Are you good at logic?'

'Of course,' replies Fresh Computer Graduate.

'Let me test you,' replies Interviewer. 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one would wash his face?'

Fresh Computer Graduate stares at Interviewer. 'Is that a test in Logic?' Interviewer nods.

'The one with the dirty face washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate answers wearily.

'Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Hmm. I never thought of that," says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'Give me another test.'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face.'

'Wrong. Each one washes one's face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So, the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes one's face.'

'I didn't think of that!' says Fresh Computer Graduate. 'It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!'

Interviewer holds up two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Each one washes his face.'

'Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face. So neither one washes his face.'

Fresh Computer Graduate is desperate. 'I am qualified for this job. Please give me one more test!'

He groans when Interviewer lifts his two fingers, 'Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?'

'Neither one washes his face', Fresh Computer Graduate replies, 'I have learnt this logic.'

'Wrong, again. Do you now see, Fresh Computer Graduate, why programming knowledge is insufficient for this job? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don't you see the flaw in the premise?

Employee Suggestion Box

Best "Out of Office" Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of 'Steve'.

Be Careful

Late Coming

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."

The fastest thing known is diarrhea

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, ‘A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”"That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “

And now you sir?” he asked the second man.”Hmm..let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”"Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche’ for speed.”

He turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.”Well, out at my Dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.”It’s hard to beat the speed of light.”he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.”After hearing the three previous answers, It’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.”"What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.”Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see, the other day I Wasn’t feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,blink or turn on the light, I’d dirty my pants!”

He got the job!

Moral: To out-smart others in a Job Interview, be creative,innovative & think out of the Box.

Failed Interview

Story I

E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.

E: Is he working locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you !
C: Why?

E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of you.

*********

Story II

E: Any girl friends?
C: No.

E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!

*********

Story III

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because my company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

*********

Story IV

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack in fighting spirit.

*********

Story V

E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Had a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hopper!)

*********

Story VI

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?
C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

*********

Story VII

E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend doesn't even want to employ you, neither do we!

What is two and two

A businessman was interviewing applicants for corporate accountant. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist by training. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant had an engineering degree. He pulled out a scientific calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a former legal researcher. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant only had a sixth-grade education. The now rather frustrated businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The applicant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Cost-Cutting Measures:

Due To The Current Financial Status Of The Company, All Employees Are Encouraged To Adopt The Following Cost-Cutting Measures:

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Office Jargon

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
3. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
9. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.
17. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
18. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
19. Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
20. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
21. GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
22. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
23. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
24. Uninstalled or Deinstalled - Euphemisms for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
25. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Funny Job application

• NAME: Greg Bulmash 
• DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
• DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
• EDUCATION: Yes.
• LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
• SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
• HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
• PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
• DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
• MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
• DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
• DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
• HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
• DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
• WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
• DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
• SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Commonly used office Phrases and what they mean

1. For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

2. Noted and returned.
Meaning: I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

3. Review and comment.
Meaning: Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

4. Action please.
Meaning: Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

5. For your necessary action.
Meaning: It's your headache now.

6. Copy to.
Meaning: Here's a share of my headache.

7. For your approval, please.
Meaning: Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

8. Action is being taken.
Meaning: Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.

9. Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning: I am trying to figure out what you want.

10. Please discuss.
Meaning: I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

11. For your immediate action.
Meaning: Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.

12. Please reply soon.
Meaning: Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

13. We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning: They are causing the delay, not us.

14. Regards.
Meaning: Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.

Farewell Letter

Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
XYZ

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.


AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

People with bad luck

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 resumes?"

I asked, shocked, "What if the best candidates are in there?"

"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

Performance Review

Performance Review

You Need Improvement

Is that for sale

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked.
Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered butt, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."