Rent Money

That husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Oh, stop it

Suffering from a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay fellow goes to see his doctor. After his examination the physician prescribes suppositories twice a day.

When it comes time to use the first suppository the young man is concerned he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom, bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target.

All of a sudden, his p*nis starts to stiffen, blocking his view.

"Oh, stop it," the young man scolds his organ, "it's only me."

It must be the arthritis

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder; I can't wipe my arse properly!"

Betraying a Witch

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman- a practicing witch. The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day.

In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined the man and ran tests on the strange tissue. By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take an oddly familiar shape.

"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"

"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely,"but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown pen*s."

"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"

"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."

"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"

"There's more," said the Doctor.

"You're going to experience vision problems."

"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.

"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes."

Turn it around

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're p*ssy apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,

"YUCK, these taste like sh*t!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

Do something!!

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.

He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofab*itch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofab*tch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive"... then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here?"

"Well," says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So, I say sure, why not? He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster, and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!! We'regoing about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler truck right on our butts, and anoverturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turned to him and said,"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn bl*wjob you've ever had!"

He paused ... then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A B*TCH CAN DRIVE!"

How was it?

Little Johnny hears the word wh*rehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! - Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.

"Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WH*REHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Two nuns at the fruit market

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers.
The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !"
 The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:
"We could eat the 30, I suppose."

Twice a day

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
 "I do", says the man.
"Twice a day."

Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip.
After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter makes the inspection.
The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."
The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.
Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.
St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

A soap dispenser

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"

Perfect

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a p*nis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his p*nis in hand said, "Son this is a p*nis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect p*nis."

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge.

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a p*nis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect p*nis!"

Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water.... while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream "Daddy Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?"

His dad simply replied, "Mmmmm… just making your brother, Johnny.....go back to bed."

The next day when the father got home from work, he found Johnny crying on the stoop....he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied, "Oh daddy, this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother!"

Many Types Of Orgasms

• Sex in a boat = oar-gasms
• Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms
• Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms
• Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms
• Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms
• Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms
• Sex with a prostitute = wh*re-gasms
• Sex with an accountant = bore-gasms
• Sex while sleeping = snore-gasms
• Sex with a salesmen = door-to-doorgasms
• Sex with a virgin = my-hymen-got-torgasms
• Sex while broke = poor-gasms
• Sex that wasn’t very satisfying = ‘There’s the door’-gasms
• Sex with a lion = roar-gasms
• Sex for hours and hours on end = sore-gasms
• Sex on a golf course = fore-gasms
• Sex with a nymphomaniac = more-gasms
• Sex in a gold mine = ore-gasms
• Sex on the beach = shore-gasms
• Sex in Asia = Singapore-gasms
• Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can = odor-gasms
• Sex on the way to the train = ‘All Aboard’-gasms
• Sex with someone who’s not paying attention = ignore-gasms
• Sex with a competitive partner = score-gasms
• Sex while flying = soar-gasms
• Sex while travelling = tour-gasms
• Sex on stairs at the mall = escalator-gasms
• Sex with three of your friends = four-gasms
• Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = liquor-gasms
• Sex during hay fever season = spore-gasms
• Sex on farm implements = tractor-gasms
• Sex without a climax = no-gasms

You are right

Two buddies get together and decide to go to a whorehouse, one of them tired of doing it with his wife all the time, the other not having it done for a long time.

Anyways the married one goes up and comes down and says " My wife is much better".

"Allright" goes the other guy, " Let me go try the same woman."

Well he goes and screws the whore, comes than says to his buddy, " You are right man, Your wife is much better."

I think I choked her

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head.

As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder.

Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement. "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes. "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.

The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room.

Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.

The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans. "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

Why is everybody rushing?

The recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert..He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation. The corporal smiled wisely and said, “You’ll see.” The young man was puzzled. “Well, you’ve got more than a hundred men on this base and I don’t see a single woman.”
“You’ll see,” the corporal repeated.
That afternoon, three hundred camels were herded in the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels. The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm.
I see what you mean, but I don’t understand,” he said. “There must be three hundred of those camels and only about a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can’t a man take his time?”
“What?‚ exclaimed the corporal, startled. “And get stuck with an ugly one?”

NOW THAT'S how you wave a towel

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves org@sm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown org@sm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has a room-shaking, screaming, org@sm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f*cking towel, son!!"

A Sex Test For Rednecks

Answer the following questions with either True or False.

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels....True or False.

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems....True or False.

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.... True or False.

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack....True or False.

5. The clitoris is a type of flower....True or False.

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle....True or False.

7. Semen is a term for sailors....True or False.

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly....True or False.

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus....True or False.

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit....True or False.

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Tulsa....True or False.

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish....True or False.

13. Coitus is a musical instrument....True or False.

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke....True or False.

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute....True or False.

16. A condom is a large apartment complex....True or False.

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir....True or False.

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry....True or False.

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle....True or False.

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote....True or False.

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East....True or False.

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass....True or False.

23. Pornography is the business of making records....True or False.

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin....True or False.

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve"....True or False.