A Woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This
is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the
poof.
Before
she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said
in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her
face.
A
couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
again.
This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer
rrrrrip.
The
father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once
again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman
had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about
it.
She
let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once
again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy,
get away from her, before she shits on you!'
Who Runs Faster
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on.
The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
How to give a cat a pill..
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Who Does What???
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'...
Should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'...
Chilled Beer
Once a cunning man visited his cunning friend! After a couple of hours chat, he was expecting for something to eat but there was no offer. He was just waiting for the offer from his friend. And the friend was just trying to avoid and flush him out of the home without any food. But this never happened!!
Frustrated friend finally had to sardonically offer him atleast something:
Sarcastically::Oh shit, i forgot to offer you anything buddy, so sorry for that. Anyways would you like to have a tea or coffee??
His cunning response was like: " i dont mind having chilled beer until hot coffee is prepared"
Frustrated friend finally had to sardonically offer him atleast something:
Sarcastically::Oh shit, i forgot to offer you anything buddy, so sorry for that. Anyways would you like to have a tea or coffee??
His cunning response was like: " i dont mind having chilled beer until hot coffee is prepared"
History of Telecommunications
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Italian scientists found traces of copper wire
dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a
depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read:
'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Italian's.-
-
-
-
-
One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the Indian state of Punjab ,
Dugdeep Singh, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already gone wireless.
dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, a Chinese archaeologist dug to a
depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the China Daily read:
'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Italian's.-
-
-
-
-
One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the Indian state of Punjab ,
Dugdeep Singh, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already gone wireless.
Priceless....
A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk –"PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy!!!
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"
Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"
Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk –"PRICELESS "
There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy!!!
Why Planning is important ?
One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire
of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and
that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name......................... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire
of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and
that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name......................... (2 MARKS)
Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly?
A woman came home to find her husband stalking the kitchen with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Killed any yet?"
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Killed any yet?"
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
Don't Mess with Old People
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going to bed when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. When George opened the back door, he saw there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked him if there anyone was in his house, and he said, "No." Then they told him all the patrols were busy, and that he should lock all his doors. The police would be along as soon as someone was availablle.
George hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry anymore because I shot them." And he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."
George said, "I thought you said there was no one available."
He phoned the police, who asked him if there anyone was in his house, and he said, "No." Then they told him all the patrols were busy, and that he should lock all his doors. The police would be along as soon as someone was availablle.
George hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry anymore because I shot them." And he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the police officers said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them."
George said, "I thought you said there was no one available."
Wife Vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
The Afterlife?
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife, after death. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy .Judy!' 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have Breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.''Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ..'
An interview for a Post Office Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He says, "Just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward your employment here, and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes.... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. In that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am. And don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"
"This is a government job, " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward your employment here, and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes.... an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. In that case I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am. And don't worry, we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"
"This is a government job, " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Immortality...a failed attempt
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks. God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live." she complains.
"That’s true." says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live." she complains.
"That’s true." says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn't recognize you."
Genie....
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Employee Placement Method
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
- If they've left early, put them in Sales.
- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.
- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
- If they've left early, put them in Sales.
- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.
Sleeping at Work
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
- "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
- "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
- "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
- "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
- "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
- "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
- "The coffee machine is broken."
- "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
- " ... in God's name, Amen."
TOP TEN Ways to Know You Are Dating a Consultant
- Refers to those "intimate moments" as "Win-Win situations"
- Valentine`s Day card has bullet points
- Can`t be trusted with the car (too accustomed to beating up rentals)
- Celebrate anniversary by conducting a performance review
- Ends any argument by saying "let`s talk about this offline"
- Tries to call room service from the bedroom
- Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
- Takes a half-day at the office because, "Sunday is YOUR day"
- Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
- Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "diagnostic period"
How Many Legs?
There are 7 gals on a bus. Each has 7 bags. In each bag, there are 7 bigcats. For every bigcats, there are 7 little cats. How many legs are there in the bus?
It needs simple calculation!! Please dont tell that there are no legs in the bus!!!!!
It needs simple calculation!! Please dont tell that there are no legs in the bus!!!!!
GM vs Microsoft
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
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If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.
When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.
Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.
New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason at all, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left-turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, and you would have to reinstall the engine.
When your car died on the freeway for no reason, you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT', and then added more seats.
Apple would make a car powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five per cent of the roads.
Oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.
New seats would force every-one to have the same size butt.
The airbag would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
Occasionally, for no reason, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps from Rand-McNally (a subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Trying to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You would press the 'start' button to shut off the engine
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