A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage.
She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean.
He say's, "Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer."
So the woman thinks out loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"
The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, "I'd fall on my ass you silly bitch!"
The Bird Retriever
A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but didn't say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything funny about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim!"
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
• No one expects you to take a bath every day.
• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
• If it itches, you can reach it.
• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
• Having big feet is considered an asset.
• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
• No matter where you live, you own the place.
• Your mate never complains because you whine.
• Puppy love can last.
• Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
• When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
• If it itches, you can reach it.
• And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
• You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
• If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
• You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
• Having big feet is considered an asset.
• If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
• No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
• No matter where you live, you own the place.
• Your mate never complains because you whine.
• Puppy love can last.
Out in the Country
When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.
‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad.’
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’
The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.
‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ the rancher asked.
‘No sir, he ain’t,’ the boy replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher, ‘is yer Mom here?’
‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?’
‘He went with Mom and Dad.’
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
‘Is there any thing I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely. ‘I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well,’ said the rancher uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.’
The boy considered for a moment. ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that’ he finally conceded.
‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but, I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
Armed Robber
An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?’ calls the robber.
There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
‘I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ….’
Middle Name
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”
Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”
do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.
One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. “So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”
Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”
Lady With Five Children
You heard about the lady with five children whose doctor prescribed her Valium for anxiety and stress, right? When she went back in two weeks she told the doctor that everything was wonderful!
She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.
But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”
“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”
She said that her house was quiet and clean, she had time to read and even enjoy her favorite television shows each day.
But she did need a refill on her script. “A refill, already?!”, said the doctor, “How many pills are you taking?”
“Taking!?” the patient replied, “I’ve been giving them to my children.”
Found It!
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn’t time
enough during a coffee break….”
Cheap Cruise
A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads "Ocean Cruise - Only $10".
She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.
The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.
"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.
"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.
She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.
The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
When she wakes up, she finds that she's tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.
"So, do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?" the blonde asks her friend.
"They didn't serve any last year!" her blonde friend replies.
Down The Toilet
A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!
She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her.
In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his shoes, over his wife's exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but her lover's a goner."
Faithful Wife !!!
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."
"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's always that doubt. There's always that little doubt."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's always that doubt."
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her top and bra. And then the light went out."
"Then what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's always that doubt!"
Stubborn Girlfriend
A young guy was complaing to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.
Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife, replied the Boss. Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her.
Shaking his head the young guy replied, that doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore
WHEN FILLING OUT A JOB APPLICATION
Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots recently appeared on
actual resumes:
=======================================================================================
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"High voltage telephone answering."
"Extensive prof reading skills."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
actual resumes:
=======================================================================================
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
"High voltage telephone answering."
"Extensive prof reading skills."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation"
"Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
Doctor's Thoughts
A 60 yr old man goes to visit his doctor for a regular checkup.
Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"
Doctor: " O really now?
Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."
Oldman: "ok"
Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."
Doctor:" My point exactly"
Oldman: "DOC, you are not going to believe how good I have been feeling lately, I have a new wife and she is only 20 yrs old, and pregnant with my child!, life sure is taking a change for the better"
Doctor: " O really now?
Oldman: "Yea what do you think about that!?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a quick story of a man I used to know, and you will then know my opinion."
Oldman: "ok"
Doctor: "I used to know a man like you, and one day he went out hunting. He got to his favorite hunting spot, and noticed that he had forgotten his gun. Right about that time a prime beaver walked into the clearing. The man knew he didn’t have his gun, but decided to try something else. The man pointed his finger and said "BANG", just as he said that, a shot rang out through the woods and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
Oldman: "Well honestly I think someone else pumped a couple of stray rounds into that beaver."
Doctor:" My point exactly"
Dinner with Girlfriend
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist
"Hello, could you give me condom ..............
I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
"Hello, could you give me condom ..............
I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out
He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."
The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes and since She invited me for dinner I think she is expecting me to make a move!
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
The sister on his right and the mum facing him.
When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".
A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."
Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.
The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."
The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
The Girl Who Went to College
This mother spent her whole life savings to send her daughter to college. Well her daughter had been in college for a couple of months and this was her first visit with her mother. So the mother gets there to pick her up her daughter gets into the car, the daughter looks at her mom and says "Mom I have something to tell you!". The mother says "O.k. what is it?"The daughter replies "I AINT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!!" The mom sits there a minute and replies" I spent all this damn money sending you to college and you still saying AINT!!!!!"
Breast Stroke
A blonde, brunette and redhead all decide to participate in the swimming of the English channel.
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
They all decided to do the same stroke as it would be fair and they should all finish at the same time. Not wanting to lose energy quickly, they chose breast stroke.
They all started and a few hours later, the brunette arrives on land, tired.
The next one to complete it, was the redhead, a couple of hours behind the brunette.
Lastly, 6 hours after the brunette had arrived, the blonde clambers on shore, absolutely exhausted.
When the TV crew arrived, they asked her why she took so long, she replied: "Not to be a sore loser or anything but I'm pretty sure I saw the other two using their arms."
Husband
“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman said to her friend.
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”
“I gave a poor beggar $25.”
“That’s a lot of money to give away,” her friend said.
“What did your husband say?”
Woman: “He said thank you.”
Fathers, beware of such sons..
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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