Gothic Redneck

You might be a Gothic Redneck if...

• You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".
• You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".
• You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.
• You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.
• The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.
• You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.
• One of your kids was born in a cemetery.
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.
• Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.
• Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.
• You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1
• Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.
• You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".
• You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.
• Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.
• You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.
• You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.
• You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.
• You've ever named your child after a vampire.
• You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.
• You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.
• Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".
• The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.
• You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.
• Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You proposed in a mortuary.
• Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.
• You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.
• You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.