Perfect Man

Joseph, the preacher had a question for the people in the church. "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. If anybody has ever known a perfect woman, Please raise your hand."

No one reacted.

He then asked, "Is there anybody who has known a perfect man?"

Albert, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Are you sure you have known an absolutely perfect man?" the preacher asked, somewhat surprised.

"Uh, I didn't know him personally," replied Albert, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

Things Never To Say During Sex

1. shut up, b*tch! (worse if the girl says it) 
2. you know, you're not really attractive.
3. I'm sorry, I was not listening.
4. what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
5. stop interrupting me!!
6. I have to take a sh*t.
7. did I leave the iron on?
8. your breath is funky. 
9. start singing Green Day
10. is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
11. its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
12. god I wish you were a real woman.
13. why can't you ever shave your legs?
14. by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
15. oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... sh*t.
16. your breast milk is like my mom's....
17. you're hairy!!
18. your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
19. is it O.K. if I never see you again?
20. did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
21. don't make that face at me!
22. all of a sudden I have a headache.
23. you're boring.

I don't need Viagra

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Group Policy

A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job. "We don't need anyone," the manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"

The ripe old age

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Special Offer This Week

Fed up with people making fun of him, Santa Singh (the sardar) decided to change his religion. He joined a priest in a church as his assistant.

One day the priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, He called Santa D'Costa (his new assistant) and asked him to cover for him.

Santa told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to stay with him for a little while and learn what to do.

Santa joined the priest and then followed him into the confessional. A few minutes later a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: " I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times"

Priest: "Say Two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.

He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery"

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times"

Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $ 5.00 in the charity box, and sin no more"

Santa, a quick learner, told the priest that he understood the job and the priest could leave. Santa D'costa was now alone. A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned"

Santa: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery"

Santa: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once"

Santa: "Go do it two more times; we have a special offer this week, three times for $ 5.00"

I can remember that

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “To the kitchen.”

She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

He replies, “Sure.”

She then asks him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

He says, “No, I can remember that.”

She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that.”

He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he says, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”

Deadly Facts About Water

Why India don't need Olympics Gold

Please stop that immediately

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
"Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"

88 Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11. When you can focus better with one eye closed
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15. If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refrigerator.
16. You fall off the floor.
17. You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25. Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26. The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. When vomiting becomes a relief.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32. Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33. You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more attractive.
35. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 .Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37. No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 .Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40. Take me drunk, I'm home!
41. The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42. Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43. You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44. Roseanne looks good.
45. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46. You drink to get over a hangover.
47. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48. You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's license.
49. The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51. You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52. I'm as jober as a sudge!
53. You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54. I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56. Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57. You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60. Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61. You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62. You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65. Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67. Do you take this woman..
68. You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69. You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70. Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71. Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72. You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73. Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74. salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75. Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76. Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77. You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78. You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79. You like SPAM.
80. You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81.  Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82. I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb.. prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84. The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
fixtures.
85. When you feel drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
86. When you feel that beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
87. When you read about the evils of drinking, and give up reading.
88. When you feel reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Can little girls have babies?

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No", said his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Statements from Actual School Papers!

1. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

2. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

3. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

4. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

5. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

6. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

7. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

8. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

9. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

10. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk

# You spent Saturday night in jail for cow-pushing — with your Ford V-8

# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.

# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"

# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

# Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

What is a WIFE?

1. another man's stupidity;

2. someone who is too pretty for words - but not for arguments;

3. a great reassurance during her husband's troubles - those, that as a bachelor, he would never have had;

4. a lady with a whim of iron;

5. a person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not;

6. the one person with whom there is no point arguing, if you win - you lose;

7. a woman who uses the technique of angling - each think the best one got away;

8. a woman who can be branded intelligent when she sees through her husband - she's understanding when she sees him through;

9. what a man blames things on when he can't figure a way to blame the govt;

10. a woman who can spot a another woman's hair on her husband's coat from twelve feet away but can never see a fire plug when she parks;

11. a woman who would rather mend your ways than your socks;

12. a woman who, in the same breath, can complain she has nothing to wear, and is bemoaning she needs more closet space;

13. a spouse who always feels she doesn't dance enough;

14. a woman who has ambiguity in her roles when her husband finds her a wh*re in the kitchen and a cook in the bedroom;

15. a person who only lasts as long as a marriage - an ex-wife is forever!

Keys to Her Chastity

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

How to frustrate your doctor ?

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

What should I do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
•HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
•HE paid for our our lake-house and boat.
•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

How to get appraisal

A newly joined trainee asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?"
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign!"

Communication and Art

Harry and Angela were at a dinner party when one the guests brought up the subject of marriage counseling.

"Oh, that is one thing that we will never need," commented Angela, "we share a great relationship. Harry was a communications graduate in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."