A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
TECHNOLOGY - cant stop laughing
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of th animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which e then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud. He watches the young man select one of th animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You're a Congressman for theU.S. Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question
Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of
the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice
said:"If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair."
LIFE IS TOUGH
First-year students at Texas A & M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral of the story: LIFE IS TOUGH , BUT ITS A LOT TOUGHER WHEN UR STUPID.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, touched his finger in the mouth of the dead pig, withdrew it and put his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns putting their finger in the mouth of the dead pig and tasted in their mouth.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I touched with my middle Finger and tasted on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention…
Moral of the story: LIFE IS TOUGH , BUT ITS A LOT TOUGHER WHEN UR STUPID.
Things Only a Mom Can Teach
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home".
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like"
"Just wait until we get home".
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home"!
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me"!
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me".
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way".
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job".
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold"?
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up".
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here"?
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father".
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born? In a barn"?
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand".
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like"
Who is your real friend?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
HARLEY HEAVEN...
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
If a STUDENT makes a mistake(all students should check this
If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style....... ......... .....
*********
If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.... ......... ........
*********
If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation... ......... ........
*********
If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..... ......... .
*********
If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law......... .........
*********
If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention... ......... .
*********
If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..... ......... ....
*********
If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory...... ......... ...
*********
If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !
*********
*********
If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.... ......... ........
*********
If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation... ......... ........
*********
If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..... ......... .
*********
If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law......... .........
*********
If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention... ......... .
*********
If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..... ......... ....
*********
If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory...... ......... ...
*********
If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !
*********
Famous Quotes about Wives
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
********
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
********
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
********
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
********
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
********
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
********
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
********
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
********
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
********
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
********
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
********
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
********
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
********
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
********
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
********
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
********
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
********
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
********
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
David Bissonette
********
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
********
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
********
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
********
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
********
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
********
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
********
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
********
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
********
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
********
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
********
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
********
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
********
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
********
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
********
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
********
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
********
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
********
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~Best of WOrst~~
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at
them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped
over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other
two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors
again.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a
tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So
grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed
it!!
LAWYERS vs INSURANCE
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the
century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
"fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage.
"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They
had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at
them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped
over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other
two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors
again.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an
elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had trapped up a
tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So
grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed
it!!
LAWYERS vs INSURANCE
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the
century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and
without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
and won!
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the
lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and
costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the
"fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the
insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000
fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
Bad Management
Once upon a time there was an Indian rowing team
India and Japan agreed to do an annual rowing race. Each team should contain 8 men.
Both teams worked really hard to get in the best shape. The day the race started both teams were in similar condition. ....the Japanese won by 1 mile.
The mood in the Indian team was really close to the freeze point. The top management decided to win the race next year. So they established a team of analysts to observe the situation and recommend an appropriate solution.
After several detailed analysis the team found out that Japanese had 7 rowers and only one captain.
Of course the Indian team had 7 captains but only one rower.
Facing such critical scenario the management showed an unexpected wisdom: they hired the consulting company to restructure the Indian team.
After several months the consultants came up with the conclusion that there were too many captains and too few rowers in the Indian team. A solution was proposed based on this analysis: the structure of the Indian team has to be changed!
As of today there will be only 4 captains in the team led by 2 managers, one top-manager and one rower. Besides that, they suggested to improve the rower's working environment and to give him higher competencies.
Next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
The Indian team immediatelly displaced the rower from the team based on his unsatisfactory performance.
But the bonus award was paid to the management for the strong motivation the the team showed during the preparation phase.
The consulting company prepared a new analysis, which showed that the strategy was good, the motivation was O.K. but the used tool has to be improved.
Currently the Indian team is designing a new boat.
India and Japan agreed to do an annual rowing race. Each team should contain 8 men.
Both teams worked really hard to get in the best shape. The day the race started both teams were in similar condition. ....the Japanese won by 1 mile.
The mood in the Indian team was really close to the freeze point. The top management decided to win the race next year. So they established a team of analysts to observe the situation and recommend an appropriate solution.
After several detailed analysis the team found out that Japanese had 7 rowers and only one captain.
Of course the Indian team had 7 captains but only one rower.
Facing such critical scenario the management showed an unexpected wisdom: they hired the consulting company to restructure the Indian team.
After several months the consultants came up with the conclusion that there were too many captains and too few rowers in the Indian team. A solution was proposed based on this analysis: the structure of the Indian team has to be changed!
As of today there will be only 4 captains in the team led by 2 managers, one top-manager and one rower. Besides that, they suggested to improve the rower's working environment and to give him higher competencies.
Next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.
The Indian team immediatelly displaced the rower from the team based on his unsatisfactory performance.
But the bonus award was paid to the management for the strong motivation the the team showed during the preparation phase.
The consulting company prepared a new analysis, which showed that the strategy was good, the motivation was O.K. but the used tool has to be improved.
Currently the Indian team is designing a new boat.
The problems of "HE" and "SHE"
The problems with "HE" as thought by "SHE"
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him;
If u DO!! He says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u DON'T, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAIN.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man
The questions are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
*********
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
*********
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?
*********
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*********
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*********
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
*********
She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (I.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
*********
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
*********
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?
*********
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*********
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
*********
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
*********
She....Would you get married again?
He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married?
He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
These are some questions that keep us up all night trying to find the answers....
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Desire and... infidelity
I was very happy.
My girlfriend had accepted my proposal of marriage.
My parents helped us in every possible way. My friends supported me. My dream fiancé was to be my wife.
Only one thing bothered me - her best friend.
She was intelligent and sexy and would often flirt with me. It would leave me ill at ease.
One day, my fiancé's friend called me and asked if I could go to her place to help with the wedding invitations list.
I decided to go and headed over to her place.
When I arrived, I found her alone. We started on the list but shortly after, she confided that now that I was about to marry her best friend, she realized she had feelings for me, that she could not hold them in any longer and wanted to make love to me, if only for this one and only time.
I did not know what to say!
I was completely surprised and speechless.
Looking at me, she said, "I'll be in the bedroom. If you desire it, I will be waiting and I will be yours".
I gazed at her splendor as she swayed up the stairs.
I raised myself from the chair. I stood motionless for a moment, then... turned and walked out the door.
I walked briskly to my car and found - my fiancé!
With tears in her eyes and a long embrace, she said, "I am so very happy and so very proud of you. You were tested and you showed me how much you really care. I could not have a better man as a husband".
Moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in the car.
Honesty is the best Policy..........
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I
ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair
dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps? Don’t worry, it’s unused."
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I
have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed
to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father - - Next!"
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I
ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electric hair
dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps? Don’t worry, it’s unused."
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will
question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead
of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I
have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the
floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed
to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go
ahead, Father - - Next!"
Cars in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been
faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God
gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to
his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the
luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God
gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to
his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the
luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
The Man & the Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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