Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk

# You spent Saturday night in jail for cow-pushing — with your Ford V-8

# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.

# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"

# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

# Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

What is a WIFE?

1. another man's stupidity;

2. someone who is too pretty for words - but not for arguments;

3. a great reassurance during her husband's troubles - those, that as a bachelor, he would never have had;

4. a lady with a whim of iron;

5. a person who sits up with you when you are sick, and puts up with you when you are not;

6. the one person with whom there is no point arguing, if you win - you lose;

7. a woman who uses the technique of angling - each think the best one got away;

8. a woman who can be branded intelligent when she sees through her husband - she's understanding when she sees him through;

9. what a man blames things on when he can't figure a way to blame the govt;

10. a woman who can spot a another woman's hair on her husband's coat from twelve feet away but can never see a fire plug when she parks;

11. a woman who would rather mend your ways than your socks;

12. a woman who, in the same breath, can complain she has nothing to wear, and is bemoaning she needs more closet space;

13. a spouse who always feels she doesn't dance enough;

14. a woman who has ambiguity in her roles when her husband finds her a wh*re in the kitchen and a cook in the bedroom;

15. a person who only lasts as long as a marriage - an ex-wife is forever!

Keys to Her Chastity

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

How to frustrate your doctor ?

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no, you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

What should I do?

A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He's riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man's head. Just then, his wife yells "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!..."
•HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
•HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
•HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
•HE paid for our our lake-house and boat.
•HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks "What should I do?"

The taxi driver replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

How to get appraisal

A newly joined trainee asks his boss "what is the meaning of appraisal?"

Boss: "Do you know the meaning of resignation?"
Trainee: "Yes I do"
Boss: "So let me make you understand what a appraisal is by comparing it with resignation"

In appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors and failures.
In resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.
In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.
During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.
During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.
There is 90% chance for not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
There is 90% chance of getting immediate hike after you put the resignation.

Trainee: "Yes boss enough, now I understood my future. For an appraisal I will have to resign!"

Communication and Art

Harry and Angela were at a dinner party when one the guests brought up the subject of marriage counseling.

"Oh, that is one thing that we will never need," commented Angela, "we share a great relationship. Harry was a communications graduate in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening."

That's it

A sergeant noticed that one of the privates was behaving oddly. The private would pick up any piece of paper he found, sulk and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the sergeant arranged to have the private psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the private was mentally ill, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The private picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

Politicians Lie

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”

The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.
"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her t*ts!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

Blind Man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Chemistry Lesson

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.

"It will give me time to get away!" said the professor.

You Know You're Getting Old When ...

...you find yourself standing next to your car with your keys in your hand, but you can't remember whether you're going somewhere or you just got back.

...you walk out to the parking lot of the mall, and not only did you forget where you parked, but you also forgot what car you were driving.

...your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both senior discounts.

...everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

...you reach down to pull up your wrinkled stockings and realize you don't have any on.

...when you raise your arm, and you find your "muscle" is now on the bottom side.

...when you have as students the grandchildren of your former students.

...when you sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.

...when you bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"

"Inside every old person is a young one wondering what happened."

Fishing Secret

Samuel Jones was a game warden who always had a watchful eye on all those who came to fish. He had noticed on quite a few occasions, that a redhead named Billy caught more fish than the others. While the others managed to catch three or four fish, Billy's boat was always full with a variety of fish. So one day, Samuel Jones asked Billy the secret of his success.

The redhead invited the game warden on his boat and asked him to observe for himself. Samuel Jones agreed and the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Billy's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Billy took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and flung it in the air. The explosion shook the lake with such power that several fish died and began to surface.

Billy threw a net into the water and began to scoop them up. Samuel Jones, open-mouthed, was too shocked to react. When he regained his composure, he began shouting at Billy, "Do you realize what you are doing?? You are so dead. You are going straight to jail and will rot there for the rest of your life!"

Billy, meanwhile, lit another stick of dynamite and tossed it in the lap of Samuel Jones and said coolly, "Are you going to sit there all day cribbing, or are you going to fish?"

Big Deal!

"Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"
"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.
"Big Deal!", said the Druggist. "We sell condoms too."

American Sardar Complaints

1. I want some repairs done to my wife's cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in my back passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove and change my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00 am his c*ck wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

Burglar Broke into my House

Joe said to his group of friends at the bar, "You won't believe what happened last night. While I was drinking with you guys in the pub, a burglar broke into my house. "

One of his friends asked, "Oh God, did he get anything?"

Joe replied, “Yes he did - a bleeding nose, a broken jaw, four teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The missus thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Cast Away - Software Engineer

An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.

At least for a while.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to five-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said.

"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."

He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from
aeucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.

I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"

Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How about a Pinacolada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel
mechanism.

"This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
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"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Money

Bob and Betty are just married and choose Hawaii for their honeymoon. They were in their hotel room discussing which tourist spots to visit, when Bob tried to assert himself by commenting, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

Betty replied, "Darling, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Hawaii, we wouldn't be on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."