GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You KNOW I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark......
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and . . .
POINTER: I see it! There it is! There it is! There it is! Right there! Can you see it yet?
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.......
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of THEM. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
Women believe
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, friggin a*sholes!
Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, friggin a*sholes!
What happened to her
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
"Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
This is how the internet started
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.
A Miracle
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his arse over by the holy water," said the boy.
Angels Singing
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
Smart Principal
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Winning the case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
Marry an insurance salesman
A widow went to the hospital because she was very sick. After some testing a doctor told her, "There is no easy way to say this. You will only live another four months."
The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked "what am I going to do?"
The doctor said, "Marry an insurance salesman."
"Will that help me live longer?" she replied
“No, but it will seem longer."
The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked "what am I going to do?"
The doctor said, "Marry an insurance salesman."
"Will that help me live longer?" she replied
“No, but it will seem longer."
Saves matches
Two GIs huddled in a foxhole. One, a tough-back woodsman from Texas, calmly rolled a cigarette from makin’s. Having finished, he put it to his lips, tilted his head back and raised upward until the cigarette barely cleared the top of the foxhole.
“Bang! Zing!” A bullet from a sniper’s rifle hit the tip of the cigarette and lit it. The Texan settled back comfortable. “Never fails,” he drawled. “Do it like that every time. Saves matches.”
“But, Alvin, ain’t that dangerous?”
“Now,” said Alvin, “I don’t inhale.”
“Bang! Zing!” A bullet from a sniper’s rifle hit the tip of the cigarette and lit it. The Texan settled back comfortable. “Never fails,” he drawled. “Do it like that every time. Saves matches.”
“But, Alvin, ain’t that dangerous?”
“Now,” said Alvin, “I don’t inhale.”
Three Knots
After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.
The old sailor walked over to the brothel, wherehe chose his girl and began. “How am I doing?” he askedher.
“Three knots,” she replied.
“Three knots? What does that mean?”asked the sailor.
The girl answered, “You’re not hard. You’re not in. And, you’re not getting your money back.”
The old sailor walked over to the brothel, wherehe chose his girl and began. “How am I doing?” he askedher.
“Three knots,” she replied.
“Three knots? What does that mean?”asked the sailor.
The girl answered, “You’re not hard. You’re not in. And, you’re not getting your money back.”
Over my dead body
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
Health Food
A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst fears - the tests showed positive.
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what your arseh*le is for!"
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what your arseh*le is for!"
Fart Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
3 Gorgeous Women
A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fill up, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fill up, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"
Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
---
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
---
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
---
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
---
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
---
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
---
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
---
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
---
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
---
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
---
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
We were alone
Once, Johny was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor, "Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what you have done, the lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been for 2 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you have realized your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, and could not find anyone except for one of her friend, as we were alone so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, before that, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie as we were alone, I slept with her also."
"Father.............. Father.....?" suddenly Johny realized that there was no response from the father, he walked over and discovered that the pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched all the corners, high and low and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
"Yes son, just tell me what you have done, the lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been for 2 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you have realized your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, and could not find anyone except for one of her friend, as we were alone so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, before that, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie as we were alone, I slept with her also."
"Father.............. Father.....?" suddenly Johny realized that there was no response from the father, he walked over and discovered that the pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched all the corners, high and low and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
The confessional box
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
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