A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Winning the case
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
Marry an insurance salesman
A widow went to the hospital because she was very sick. After some testing a doctor told her, "There is no easy way to say this. You will only live another four months."
The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked "what am I going to do?"
The doctor said, "Marry an insurance salesman."
"Will that help me live longer?" she replied
“No, but it will seem longer."
The woman lowered her head and didn’t speak for a moment. She then asked "what am I going to do?"
The doctor said, "Marry an insurance salesman."
"Will that help me live longer?" she replied
“No, but it will seem longer."
Saves matches
Two GIs huddled in a foxhole. One, a tough-back woodsman from Texas, calmly rolled a cigarette from makin’s. Having finished, he put it to his lips, tilted his head back and raised upward until the cigarette barely cleared the top of the foxhole.
“Bang! Zing!” A bullet from a sniper’s rifle hit the tip of the cigarette and lit it. The Texan settled back comfortable. “Never fails,” he drawled. “Do it like that every time. Saves matches.”
“But, Alvin, ain’t that dangerous?”
“Now,” said Alvin, “I don’t inhale.”
“Bang! Zing!” A bullet from a sniper’s rifle hit the tip of the cigarette and lit it. The Texan settled back comfortable. “Never fails,” he drawled. “Do it like that every time. Saves matches.”
“But, Alvin, ain’t that dangerous?”
“Now,” said Alvin, “I don’t inhale.”
Three Knots
After a lengthy tour of sea duty, an old sailor finally gets some shore leave. Fortunately, a nearby brothel had been recommeded to him by some of his younger shipmates.
The old sailor walked over to the brothel, wherehe chose his girl and began. “How am I doing?” he askedher.
“Three knots,” she replied.
“Three knots? What does that mean?”asked the sailor.
The girl answered, “You’re not hard. You’re not in. And, you’re not getting your money back.”
The old sailor walked over to the brothel, wherehe chose his girl and began. “How am I doing?” he askedher.
“Three knots,” she replied.
“Three knots? What does that mean?”asked the sailor.
The girl answered, “You’re not hard. You’re not in. And, you’re not getting your money back.”
Over my dead body
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"
Ex-: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "Great! But I see you haven't changed one bit"
Health Food
A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst fears - the tests showed positive.
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what your arseh*le is for!"
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20 minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?" he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what your arseh*le is for!"
Fart Problem
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?".
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
3 Gorgeous Women
A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fill up, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fill up, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"
Computer FAQ's (The Shift Key)
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
---
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
---
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
---
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
---
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
---
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.
---
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
---
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
---
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
---
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or VT100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
---
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
We were alone
Once, Johny was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor, "Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what you have done, the lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been for 2 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you have realized your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, and could not find anyone except for one of her friend, as we were alone so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, before that, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie as we were alone, I slept with her also."
"Father.............. Father.....?" suddenly Johny realized that there was no response from the father, he walked over and discovered that the pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched all the corners, high and low and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
"Yes son, just tell me what you have done, the lord will forgive you."
"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been for 2 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."
"That's bad my boy, fortunately you have realized your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, and could not find anyone except for one of her friend, as we were alone so I slept with her too."
"That's not very good of you."
"Father, before that, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie as we were alone, I slept with her also."
"Father.............. Father.....?" suddenly Johny realized that there was no response from the father, he walked over and discovered that the pastor was not there.
So he began searching for him.
"Father? Where are you?"
He searched all the corners, high and low and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
"Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
The confessional box
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
The Hercules and the F-15s
A couple of F-15’s are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, “Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you’d only dream about.” Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
“Just watch,” comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying “There! How was that?”
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, “What are you talking about? What did you do?”
And the Herc pilot replies, “Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak.”
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, “Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you’d only dream about.” Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.
“Just watch,” comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying “There! How was that?”
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, “What are you talking about? What did you do?”
And the Herc pilot replies, “Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak.”
25 Signs You Have Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t what the hell happened?
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good sh*t."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t what the hell happened?
Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex
1. Your hand always lets you finish first.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
Where did he go?
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Farm Kid
Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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