Husband-Wife Short Jokes

Both Sides of Coin
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

Wishes
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one every day.

Real Advise
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

How Genius
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

(Civilized Fighting )

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........

What is it now

God Said, 'Adam, I?! ? Want you to do Something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.
Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?' !
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, he said, 'In the cave you will find a Woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under his breath), 'Geez....' !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So,Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said



'What's a headache?'

Do you want a screw-driver?

A young woman takes a cab to a remote location, but in the middle of nowhere the motor fails. The driver gets out and starts trying to fix the engine, with no result. Bored, the woman opens the glove box and sees a screwdriver. She sticks her head out the window and yells, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
The cabbie slams down the hood and says, "Might as well, looks like we're going to be here all night."

More of Rajinikanth Jokes

*Rajinikant had died 20 yrs ago..death hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

*Rajinikant can finish mario bros without using the jump button.

*Rajinikant doesn't pay attention- attention pays him.

*Rajinikant stared at the sun for hours..the sun then blinked

*Rajinikanth once entered a race, he came first, second & third

*Rajinikanth once wrote a check, the bank bounced

*The missing piece of Apple Inc. logo was officially eaten by Rajinikanth

*Rajinikanth was shot today..Tomorrow is the bullet's funeral

*Intel's next line of super fast processors are being launched with the tagline ....."Rajnikant inside"

Could you do that?

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Mathematical Equations

Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore
Human - enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore
Man-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

To Conclude
From Equation 2 and Equation 3Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money
Therefore, from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S
2. _ _NDOM
3. F_ _K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_
6. S_X

Scroll down for answers
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Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX
You got all 6 wrong....didn' t you?
You have a problem... And it is definitely NOT Alzhemier!!!

A Newly Wed Girl's Speech

My dear new family, I thank u for welcoming me in my new home. 

Firstly, my being here should not change ur life or routine.

Those who used to do the laundry must keep on doing it.. 

Those cooking must keep cooking.. 

Those cleaning must keep cleaning.. 

Those washing dishes must keep washing them.. 

No one shud change their routine on my account..

As for me.. I am here only to entertain your SON.......!!

What a woman says and What a man hears?

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

Politics Defined

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and gives you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and sells you the milk.

MILITARY DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The state takes both of them, accidentally kills one and spills the milk in the sewer.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.

Prehistoric Computers

The Bitter Truth

Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST and FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Rajinikanth Door Lock

It's life it happens

Signs She Is Bored In Bed

20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your a*s.

18. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda,Yadda."

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Odds and Ends

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.


Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Bum Holes".......unacceptable again !

So they tried "Analysis and Anal-cysts".....not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -- Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

Do you have room up there

A college student on his way between wild parties climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver,

"Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a six pack of beer?"

"Sure!" answered the cabby.

So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

Yo mama's so greasy

• Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
• Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
• Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
• Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
• Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
• Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
• Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
• Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.