Funny Question and Answers
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Q: Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
A: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...*
Q: New AIDS awareness slogan:
A: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Q: Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
A: They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Q: Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
A: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...*
Q: New AIDS awareness slogan:
A: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.
Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Q: Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
A: They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
Positive Identification
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.
Joe: "He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain’t George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain’t George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
Joe: "He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain’t George."
Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.
Al: "Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain’t George."
Mortician: "How can you tell?"
Al: "George had two assholes."
Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"
Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Men And Women - The Ultimate Facts
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Alcohol Taster
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"
A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him.
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,
"It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."
"That’s correct", said the boss.
Another glass.
"It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels."
"Correct."
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.
"It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.
And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!"
Memory Class Instructor
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Need Samples
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Everything has a Gender
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Window Cleaner at a Monastery
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”
“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”
“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.
“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”
“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”
“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.
“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”
Mrs. Prussy
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.
When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"
She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"
The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"
A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.
When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".
"That's right" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"
4th Divorce
A lady goes to the court for divorce.
Judge- If I remember, is it not this your 4th divorce?
Lady- Yes, my Lord, it is.
Judge- I cannot pass a decree unless you tell me reasons for all these 4 cases.
Lady- First one was very good Golf player. When he hit the ball, he did not know where the ball was & where he was. On occasions, even if he potted the ball, it was in the wrong hole.
2nd one was a good Long jumper but he always found himself short by 2 inches to touch the end point for qualifying.
3rd one was a good Cricket player. He batted day in & day out but never got out. I had to divorce him.
4th one is a very good Hockey player.
Judge- That is an excellent game.
Lady- I too agree Hockey is an excellent game & he has an equally good control over the ball.
Judge- So what is the reason for seeking divorce?
Lady- This hockey player dribbles too much outside the goal post !!!!!
Judge- If I remember, is it not this your 4th divorce?
Lady- Yes, my Lord, it is.
Judge- I cannot pass a decree unless you tell me reasons for all these 4 cases.
Lady- First one was very good Golf player. When he hit the ball, he did not know where the ball was & where he was. On occasions, even if he potted the ball, it was in the wrong hole.
2nd one was a good Long jumper but he always found himself short by 2 inches to touch the end point for qualifying.
3rd one was a good Cricket player. He batted day in & day out but never got out. I had to divorce him.
4th one is a very good Hockey player.
Judge- That is an excellent game.
Lady- I too agree Hockey is an excellent game & he has an equally good control over the ball.
Judge- So what is the reason for seeking divorce?
Lady- This hockey player dribbles too much outside the goal post !!!!!
I don't blame you
Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Irishman, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like screwing white women."
The Frenchman looked at him and thought, and said, "Well, that's great."
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like screwing white women."
The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Irishman and belted him on the back, then said, "I like screwing white women."
The Irishman sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like screwing those black ones either."
The Frenchman looked at him and thought, and said, "Well, that's great."
Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like screwing white women."
The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."
The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Irishman and belted him on the back, then said, "I like screwing white women."
The Irishman sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like screwing those black ones either."
Gothic Redneck
You might be a Gothic Redneck if...
- You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".
- You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".
- You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.
- You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.
- The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.
- You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.
- One of your kids was born in a cemetery.
- You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.
- Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.
- Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.
- You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1
- Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black
- You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.
- You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".
- You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.
- Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.
- You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.
- You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.
- You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.
- You've ever named your child after a vampire.
- You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.
- You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.
- Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".
- The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.
- You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.
- Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
- Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
- You proposed in a mortuary.
- Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.
- You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.
- You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.
A Bush fan
There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
There go my Sundays
A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."
The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.
One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.
The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."
The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
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