Need Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Everything has a Gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Mounting A Camel

Firefox add-ons

Its OK to stare

Don't Bother

Window Cleaner at a Monastery

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

Mrs. Prussy

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter"

The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.

When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher "I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".

"That's right" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

4th Divorce

A lady goes to the court for divorce.

Judge- If I remember, is it not this your 4th divorce?

Lady- Yes, my Lord, it is.

Judge- I cannot pass a decree unless you tell me reasons for all these 4 cases.

Lady- First one was very good Golf player. When he hit the ball, he did not know where the ball was & where he was. On occasions, even if he potted the ball, it was in the wrong hole.

2nd one was a good Long jumper but he always found himself short by 2 inches to touch the end point for qualifying.

3rd one was a good Cricket player. He batted day in & day out but never got out. I had to divorce him.

4th one is a very good Hockey player.

Judge- That is an excellent game.

Lady- I too agree Hockey is an excellent game & he has an equally good control over the ball.

Judge- So what is the reason for seeking divorce?

Lady- This hockey player dribbles too much outside the goal post !!!!!

I don't blame you

Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Irishman, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like screwing white women."

The Frenchman looked at him and thought, and said, "Well, that's great."

Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like screwing white women."

The German looked at him and said, "Good for you."

The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Irishman and belted him on the back, then said, "I like screwing white women."

The Irishman sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like screwing those black ones either."

Gothic Redneck

You might be a Gothic Redneck if...

• You let your fourteen year old daughter smoke clove cigarettes at the dinner table in front of her kids.
• You've got more than one brother named "Vlad".
• You've got more than three cousins named "Lestat".
• You think safe sex is padded handcuffs.
• You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" was snubbed for Best Picture.
• The Blue Book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on how much gas you have in it.
• You think a seven course meal is six clove cigarettes and a bottle of absinthe.
• One of your kids was born in a cemetery.
• You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on a mausoleum.
• Your lifetime goal is to raise a brood of vampire bats.
• Your buckle boots weigh more than eight pounds each.
• You think the three primary colors are: Black #1, Black #1 and Black #1
• Your hearse has a two-tone paint job: Matte Black and Gloss Black
• You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against marrying the dead.
• You refer to the day you won a case of black lipstick as, "The day your ship came in".
• You have the number to the local blood bank on speed dial.
• Your coffin used to be a meat freezer.
• You do your serious Christmas shopping with a shovel in the cemetery.
• You think that God looks a lot like Bela Lugosi and that Heaven looks a lot like Transylvania.
• You have the words, "Good Evening", in your answering machine message.
• You've ever named your child after a vampire.
• You have more buckles on your clothes and boots than fingers and toes.
• You have a Dracula Jell-O mold.
• Your child's first words were: "I bid you welcome".
• The fountain at your wedding spewed blood instead of champagne.
• You wear fishnet stockings under your vinyl jeans.
• Your deceased cat's tombstone is bigger than your grandfather's.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You proposed in a mortuary.
• Your bridal veil was made out of fishnet.
• You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory.
• You tell your lover to scream like a staked vampire to start foreplay.

A Bush fan

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy - Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

There go my Sundays

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Elephants and Monkeys

Why do Elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.

Monday Blues

Farmer and Old Lady

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe.

He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

"I should get more," the crooked juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them."

"They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother.

"Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

What is two and two

A businessman was interviewing applicants for corporate accountant. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job: he asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist by training. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant had an engineering degree. He pulled out a scientific calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a former legal researcher. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commissioner of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant only had a sixth-grade education. The now rather frustrated businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The applicant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"