God's Email - Did you get it?

God was looking down at Earth on New Year's Eve and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said," Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."

When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! Ninety-five % are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going! Do you know what the E-mail said?

Just wondering. I didn't get one either ;)

So what's the problem now

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.

After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

Gold Urinal

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Viagra - Now for animals too

Two Nuns and Hot Dog

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Mouse in the house

A : I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Don't worry the mouse will leave your house on its own

My little boopey-boo

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."

Mailbox in Car

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a cell phone?"

Blonde: "They're too expensive, so I did the next best thing: I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "And do you receive any letters?"

Blonde: "No, but I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Coroner report

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: “First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.”

“Second body: “Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon . Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.

“Thought he was having his picture taken.”

Get me a beer before it starts

A man comes home from work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer.

He finishes that beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.

She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, blah blah

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Hungry Monkey - HAHAHAHA

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Guilty

In a court room in rural Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder, there is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse, which would really seal his fate.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the shyster says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom, proving my client's innocence!" He turns and looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, follow his eyes and look too. A minute passes, but nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, still looking suspicious, retires to deliberate.

But only a few minutes later, the jury returns and the foreman utters their verdict: guilty!

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Yes, we looked," admitted the foreman. "But we noticed your client didn't."

Cost-Cutting Measures:

Due To The Current Financial Status Of The Company, All Employees Are Encouraged To Adopt The Following Cost-Cutting Measures:

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Office Jargon

1. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
3. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
4. Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
5. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
6. Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
7. Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
9. SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
10. Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
11. Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
12. Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
13. Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
14. Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
15. Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
16. Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.
17. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
18. Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
19. Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
20. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
21. GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
22. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
23. Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
24. Uninstalled or Deinstalled - Euphemisms for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
25. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Funny Job application

• NAME: Greg Bulmash 
• DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
• DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
• EDUCATION: Yes.
• LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
• SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
• HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
• PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
• DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
• MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
• DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
• DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
• HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
• DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
• WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
• DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
• SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better.

He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....

The 4 Stages of Life

Competitive boat race

The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four

steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Coffee

A Lady went to her Family Doctor for help on improving her S*x life.

Doctor : Give your Husband Viagra !

Lady : Can't. He hates pills !

Doctor : Just put it in his Coffee !

The next week, she came back unhappy !

Doctor : Was it not good?

Lady : No. It was the best S*X I ever had. He had a few sips of Coffee, then he pushed everything off the table & made Love to me right there on the table...!

Doctor : Well, what's wrong then...???

Lady : I'll never be able to show my face at the neighborhood Barista ever again !!

Electrified Fence

A 65 year old man was frantically making out in his Lawn with his 60 yr old Wife, by taking support of his Fence!

Wife : You never ever did like this to me even 40 years ago !

Man : This fence wasn't ELECTRIFIED at that time !