Funny Job application

• NAME: Greg Bulmash 
• DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
• DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
• EDUCATION: Yes.
• LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
• SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
• MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
• REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
• HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
• PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
• DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
• MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
• DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
• DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
• HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
• DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
• WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
• DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
• SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.