- Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
- Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
- Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
- Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
- Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
- Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
- Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
- Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
- Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's work place.
- Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
- Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
- Chips and Salsa: Chips equals 3D hardware and salsa equals 3D software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
- Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
- GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
- Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
- Uninstalled or Deinstalled - Euphemisms for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
- Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Office Jargon
Funny Job application
- NAME: Greg Bulmash
- DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha! But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
- DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
- EDUCATION: Yes.
- LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
- SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
- REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
- PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
- DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
- SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Smart Dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better.
He called to his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "what can your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.....
Competitive boat race
The American and the Japanese corporate offices for a large multi-national corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American office laid-off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Coffee
A Lady went to her Family Doctor for help on improving her S*x life.
Doctor : Give your Husband Viagra !
Lady : Can't. He hates pills !
Doctor : Just put it in his Coffee !
The next week, she came back unhappy !
Doctor : Was it not good?
Lady : No. It was the best S*X I ever had. He had a few sips of Coffee, then he pushed everything off the table & made Love to me right there on the table...!
Doctor : Well, what's wrong then...???
Lady : I'll never be able to show my face at the neighborhood Barista ever again !!
Doctor : Give your Husband Viagra !
Lady : Can't. He hates pills !
Doctor : Just put it in his Coffee !
The next week, she came back unhappy !
Doctor : Was it not good?
Lady : No. It was the best S*X I ever had. He had a few sips of Coffee, then he pushed everything off the table & made Love to me right there on the table...!
Doctor : Well, what's wrong then...???
Lady : I'll never be able to show my face at the neighborhood Barista ever again !!
Electrified Fence
A 65 year old man was frantically making out in his Lawn with his 60 yr old Wife, by taking support of his Fence!
Wife : You never ever did like this to me even 40 years ago !
Man : This fence wasn't ELECTRIFIED at that time !
Wife : You never ever did like this to me even 40 years ago !
Man : This fence wasn't ELECTRIFIED at that time !
Wishing well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Gender roles in Kabul
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul, and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
She recently returned to Kabul, and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
An expensive milking machine
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does.
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.
''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''
"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!
But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.
He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.
''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''
"Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!
Confused about Jesus Christ
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
An Australian, a Jew, and an Abo
Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly.
They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives.
Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left.
Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him.
"So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven.
The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives.
Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500.
The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left.
Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story.
Of course, they don't believe him.
"So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?".
"Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $100, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it".
An actuary and a farmer
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."
The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up" or else invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
That's it
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
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