Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

An Indian goes to Hell

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell , the Russian hell and many more.
He finds that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed,
And the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

Balle Balle - Another Collection of Sardarji Jokes

Titanic was sinking.
An Englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!

--

Santa travelling 1'st time in plane going 2 mumbai.While its landing, he shouted 'Bombay...Bombay'.
Airhostess said "B silent"...Santa said "OK"...Ombay Ombay

--

"Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out

--

Bhola Singh brags to his friends, "You know in Dubai everything is free, Taxi, Hotel, Drinks, Shows, so far as even Sex is free.
The friend asked, "Yes, when did you go to Dubai?"
Bhola explained, "Not me Pal, My wife went there."

--

A Sardar decides to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,
"Don't feel so glad about this, next it’s your turn!!!!"

--

Dr. Manish, a psychotherapist, employed a sardar painter to paint his name plate. He instructed the sardar to give ample space between the words, and left for his clinic.
On his return in the evening, he was astonished at the sight of the name plate that was hung to his gate. It read,
Dr. Manish
Psycho The Rapist

--

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.
Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now".
Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

--

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital.
Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank to God that it was your left hand, since you are right handed."
Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

Most dangerous food

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it... Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it ?"
(scroll down)

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

15 Pieces of Advice for Woman

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal!

Husband Day Care Center

Room with a view

Look Again

Special Pig

Farmers Brown and McDonald were sitting on Farmer McDonald's porch discussing plowing technique when Farmer Brown notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, "Say, Henry, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's a mighty special pig! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No, just got a few scratches, nothing serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Henry?" "No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out."

"...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig that good, you don't want to eat all at once."

Single Man

Who was THAT woman

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.
The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said, "Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see."
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room.
Once inside, the piqued bride demanded: "And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?"
The groom wiped his brow and said, "Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her."

Farewell Letter

Dear Co-Workers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I`ve worked here, I`ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past three years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I`ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To Rudy: I will always remember sharing lunch with you, despite having clearly labeled it with my name.
To Steven: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss walking past my cubicle to deliver it.
To Eileen: Best wishes on your ongoing campaign to popularize these “email forwards.” I sincerely hope you receive that weekend full of good luck, that hug from an old friend, and that baby for your dusty womb.
To Felix: I left a new wristwatch on your desk. It is so that you might be able to still tell time even without your hourly phone call to let me know the copier is jammed. (Call Steven – he`ll come by.)
And finally, to Kat: you were right – I tested positive. We`ll talk later.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

Very truly yours,
XYZ

Sardar Jokes Collection

Sardaron ko 2 bomb mile,
1st Sardar: chal police ko de k aate hain.
2 sardar: agar koi bomb raaste me phat gaya to?
1st sardar: jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha

Sardar 2 doctr: Mujhe 1 problem hai
DR: Kya?
Sardar: Baat karte waqt aadmi dikhai nahi deta
Dr: aisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt

Man: Sardar jee aap ko garmi lagti hai to kya karte ho?
Sardar: AC k paas ja k baith jata hun
Man: Agar phir bhi garmi lage to?
Sardar: To A/C on kar leta hun

A sardar prays daily for 2 hours,
"He Vahe Guru meri lottery lagade."
After 11 years Vahe Guru angrily appeared & said,"Khoti de puttar 1 vari ticket to le le"

Ek sardar ki chatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyun?
Sardar bola, Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega :P

Hitler says,
"There is no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary"
Sardar says: Ab bolne se kya faayda? "Jub kharidi thi tab hi check karna tha na"

Sardar: Yar mujhe 1 hathora or keel chahiye computer k lye.
Sales man: Magar computer me inka kya kaam?
Sardar: Oye yaar mujhe computer me windows lagani hai.

1st sardar: oye agar neend na aaye to kya kia jaaye?
2nd Sardar: Neend ka intizar karne se achha hai ki banda soo hi jaye

1 sardar rail ki patri per so gaya.
1 aadmi ne kaha kya kar rahe ho? Train aayegi to mar jaoge!
Sardar: Mere uper se jahaaz guzar gaya to kuch nahi hua, train kya cheez hai?

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Police: Kyon hasn rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hun.

In bio practical:
Examiner: Tell me the name of this bird by seeing its legs only?
Sardar: I don't know.
Examiner: You r failed, what's your name?
Sardar: See my legs & tell my name

HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2025

President Sonia Gandhi and Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italian Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi.
Dhoom 17 ready for release.
I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar
Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage.
Mein To Ab Bhi Jawan Hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan and Madhuri Dixit.
After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of 'Jhoom Barabar Jhoom' .
Petrol Rs. 999/= per ltr.
Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes and Baa has completed 400yrs.
Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea.
Navjot Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host & the Guest too..
Riots in the Parliament as the newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat and Rakhi Sawant enter the assembly.
Maruti launches its new Hovercraft 'SX-25'. Honda, Toyota and Tata to follow.
A cap found in Mithi river - Sources say it belonged to a species called Himesh Reshammiya....

It's not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

Facebook Gender Discrimination

20 types of men you may meet in men's urinal

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Drunk Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Men Shopping VS Women Shopping

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

I will marry again

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again