Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

It's not my table

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

Facebook Gender Discrimination

20 types of men you may meet in men's urinal

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips his shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is hung.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being in use, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes a quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out his tie, pisses in his pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows the man in the next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in a long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, and then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

Drunk Fart

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Men Shopping VS Women Shopping

Policies and Procedures

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.

I will marry again

Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…
Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again

I am a better lover than you

A maid asks for a pay rise.

“Why do you deserve one?” asks the lady of the house.

“Well, there are three reasons,” replies the maid, “Firstly, I iron better than you.”

“Who said that you iron better?” asks the lady of the house.

“Your husband said so,” replies the maid. “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

“Nonsense,” says the lady of the house, “Who said you are a better cook than me?”

“Your husband,” replies the maid. “And the third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

“Did my husband say that as well?” asks the lady of the house.

“No, the driver did.”

The lady of the house doubled her salary later that day.

A Philosopher, A Mathematician and An Idiot

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my a** hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.

Accident Waiting to Happen

Little Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Get well quick

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

“Get well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.” :)

People with bad luck

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest.

"Throw away 250 resumes?"

I asked, shocked, "What if the best candidates are in there?"

"You have a point," he said. "But then again, I don't need people with bad luck here."

Rough Ride

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
Theother flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey on the moustache of this guy on a Harley".
The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst wayto travel, pal.
The next time, try what I do.Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks.
While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cosy. It's the coolest wayto travel."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by.

When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "You obviously didn't trywhat I told you last year?"
"Yes," says the first flea,"I did exactly as you said. I went to theNew Jersey airport bar,had a few drinks and finally, this nice young stewardess came in.
I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot.It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep.

When I woke up,I was back on the moustache of a guy on a Harley.".........

Mother-in-law

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

I have good news and bad news for you

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."

"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"

"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"

"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"

The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes!

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