Little Notebook

A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes I did! I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yep, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
The fellow looks in his book again and says, "Hmm yes, I did know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "hmmm,yep..sure did, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and finally says, "You know, you're right! According to this, I didn't like it either.

I can't believe it

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video. There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.
"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said.
The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"
The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"

What'd he say

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop.
The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much."

What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville," the husband replied.

"Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.
"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

Trap...........the unexpected

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms.
In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent Somalatha home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
"Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and disappeared towards the bathroom.
The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed.
She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently...........
He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his willy, and got on top of her.
When he finished and still panting,
the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.
"No Madam" said the gardener!!!

Dont Panic

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!!!

Louis C.K. - Funniest Video

What you get for $25 bucks

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

I don't hear anything

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

Before and After Marriage

BEFORE MARRIAGE

He: Yes. At last . It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy? I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes!
She: Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE….
Simply read from bottom to top.

TV (Wife) vs Mobile (Girflriend)

A Wife is like a TV But A Girlfriend is like aMOBILE.
At home you watchTV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE.
When you have no money, you watch only TV and when you have got money you change your MOBILE.
Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time you play with your MOBILE.
TV is free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.
TV is big, bulky and most of the time old!
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy and very portable.
Operational costs for theTV are often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.
TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't.
MOBILE is atwo-way communication (u talk and listen), but with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).
Most Importantly: Remember ....
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILES often do.....

Irishman

"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!"

"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the Sergeant at the desk.

"I had to help him" she gasped.

Yo mama's so nasty

* Yo mama's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.

* Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.

* Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

* Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Activity on one bank of a lake - Story with Moral

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... If I go down three inches ... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches .that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich..... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh ... If that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... And that bear grabs for that fish ... The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches .... Some pussy is in serious danger.

Little Naughty Quotes

• A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. 
• I`m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
• It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
• Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
• I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.
• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
• A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.
• Graze on my lips, and if those hills are dry, Stray lower where the pleasant fountains lie.
• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
• I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
• Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
• Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
• An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
• Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
• I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that.
• I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush.
• I guess you could call me a polygamist. Sometimes I switch hands.
• A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.
• A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
• To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
• It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
• The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
• Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.
• Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
• We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.

A drunk walks out of a bar

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Santa - Banta The Great

Gurdas Maan: Santa ji, aapke bhai ki shaadi mein kitne gaane gaane hain, us hisab se rate lagega?
Santa: 2-3 gaa kar peg shuru kar dena, baad mein sharabi baraat ne generator ki awaaz par hi naachte rehna hai
-
∙ Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat
-
∙ Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.
-
∙ Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.
-
∙ Jeeto: yelled at Santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!
Santa: Make up ur mind! Which one is it gonna be?
-
∙ Santa to Pappu: Where's Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo.
Pappu: Who's Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.
-
∙ An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.
-
∙ Pappu was writing his father's name on a 1000 Watt bulb.
Santa asked him: What are you doing?
Pappu: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

∙ Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
-
∙ Santa waitin at bus stop in UK along with 3 women.
When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more, no more
Santa: Saaleya Morniya char laiyan, meri wari no more
-
∙ Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else.
-
∙ A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out
-
∙ Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
-
∙ Santa: Yaar mein apni girlfriend nu gift dena hai, ki devan?
Banta: Gold ring de de.
Santa: Koi vadi cheez das yaar.
Banta: Tan fer MRF da tyre de de.
-
∙ Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
-
∙ Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paude thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.
-
∙ Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!

Forgetful

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Lean

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
.
.
.
.
"The bastards won't let me fart."

Again

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"*

Confessional Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".