Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

Little Naughty Quotes

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
I`m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
It's the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
I was told that when you hit forty men stop looking at you. It's true, until you slip on a mini-skirt.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
A girl's legs are her best friends...but even the best of friends must part.
Graze on my lips, and if those hills are dry, Stray lower where the pleasant fountains lie.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.
Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
I'm definitely claustrophobic. I have a morbid fear of tight spaces. Thankfully, with my girlfriend, I'll never have a problem with that.
I am skilled at the art of love. I just wish I had a bigger paintbrush.
I guess you could call me a polygamist. Sometimes I switch hands.
A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available.
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.
It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.
The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.
Flies spread disease - keep yours zipped.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Santa - Banta The Great

Gurdas Maan: Santa ji, aapke bhai ki shaadi mein kitne gaane gaane hain, us hisab se rate lagega?
Santa: 2-3 gaa kar peg shuru kar dena, baad mein sharabi baraat ne generator ki awaaz par hi naachte rehna hai
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∙ Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat
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∙ Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.
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∙ Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.
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∙ Jeeto: yelled at Santa: U're gonna b really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!
Santa: Make up ur mind! Which one is it gonna be?
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∙ Santa to Pappu: Where's Sukhna Lake?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se bhi nikla karo.
Pappu: Who's Banta?
Santa: Pata nai.
Pappu: Kabhi ghar me bhi raha karo.
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∙ An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Santa: Gud evening, we open the zip and do.
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∙ Pappu was writing his father's name on a 1000 Watt bulb.
Santa asked him: What are you doing?
Pappu: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

∙ Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.
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∙ Santa waitin at bus stop in UK along with 3 women.
When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more, no more
Santa: Saaleya Morniya char laiyan, meri wari no more
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∙ Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else.
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∙ A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.
Santa doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again, Santa replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out
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∙ Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.
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∙ Santa: Yaar mein apni girlfriend nu gift dena hai, ki devan?
Banta: Gold ring de de.
Santa: Koi vadi cheez das yaar.
Banta: Tan fer MRF da tyre de de.
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∙ Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
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∙ Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paude thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.
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∙ Pappu while filling up a form: What should I write against mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long.....!

Forgetful

William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.

"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Lean

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
.
.
.
.
"The bastards won't let me fart."

Again

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"*

Confessional Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

Three nuns and St. Peter

Three nuns die and are met at the pearly gates of heaven by St. Peter. "Before you enter, you must answer a skilled question." said St.Peter.

The nuns agree and St. Peter begins by asking the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"

"Oh , thats an easy one, that was Adam!" said the nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on and the nun walked up the stairs.

St.Peter asked the second nun, "Who was the first women on earth?"

"Oh, that's an easy one, that was Eve!" said the second nun. With her answer the gates opened, the lights came on, and the nun walked up the stairs.

St.Peter asked the third and final nun, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun thought about the question for a long time, finally she shakes her head and replies, "That's a hard one".

And the gates opened, the lights came on...

Search for Girlfriend

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Mistakes

Finding Jesus

Decision

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness".
"Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again but...something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it!"
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in compensation coming to you and we have the technology to build you a new willy, which will work even better than your old one did! The thing is, it doesn't come cheap....it's £1,000 an inch!"
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want? I'd suggest you discuss it with your wife, I mean if you had five inches before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inch, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision?"
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

What Kinda Bird?

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.

He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.

When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"

The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.

"How's that?"

"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?

A tight fit

A woman of very loose nature soon got fed up with men as they were not big enough. She progressed to ponies and then horses.

But she soon outgrew them and her quest for a large male member took her to Africa where she sought a bull elephant in the mating season.

She finally selected one and went down on all fours for him.

She felt him enter her and cried out "Oooh, wonderful, what a tight fit!"

"I should hope so!" bellowed the elephant. "I'm sticking in my front leg."

The Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Make the best of it

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.

On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

Valentine cards

A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Valentine's Day

A little boy comes home from first grade and tells his father that he learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "As Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get angry at me for giving someone a valentine?"
The father thinks for a moment and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," the boy says.
"Why Osama ," his father asks in disbelief.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd jump with joy. And then he'd go all over and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Father's heart swells and he looks at his son with newfound pride and joy.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him."

3 days ago

Watermelons

A local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late

at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read,

"Now there are two!"

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and Radio

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and as ked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.. '
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'