- Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
- Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons..
- Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
- Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
- Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
- Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"
- Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
- Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
- Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
- Good Girls go to Heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Good Girl vs Bad Girls
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
UK CLASSIFIED ADS
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
White Cloud
One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
"Man, I'd sure like to screw that!"
"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"
"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"
"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.
"This is great! But I really have to take a sh*t!"
"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
"What do I wipe with?"
"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast.
"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.
"You're telling me! You f*cked me three times, sh*t on the pillow, and wiped your a*s with the sheets!"
Once a year Vacation
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
Collection
A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer ... what's the holdup?"
"It's and idiot," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire because he is flat broke. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"
"So far ... ten gallons."
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Two Dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.
Exactly Same Duties
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”
Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”
25th anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago,
the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Two Russian hunters
Two Russian hunters meet. I shot a gigantic bear yesterday, says Ivan. Look at the hide!
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
How do you find such huge bears? Sergei asks.
Easy, says Ivan. You stand in front of a cave and whistle. When the bear comes out, you shoot.
Weeks later the two meet again. Sergei is covered in bandages. Didn't you follow my advice? Ivan asks.
Sure I did. I stood, in front of a cave and whistled, Sergei replies.
And what came out?
To me, says Sergei, it looked like the Trans-Siberian Express
Private Part
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed and so Nurse Tracy asked him what was wrong.
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
'Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace, 'My Private Part died today, and so I'm very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes said things that sounded a bit crazy she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences on your loss'
The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pants. He met Nurse Tracy.
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please, will you put your Private Part back inside your pants?'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part had died.'
'Yes, you did tell me that, but why does it need to be hanging out like that?' she asked.
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
A Kiss and A Slap
A boss, his Assistant, one old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed.
The boss is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
The Old woman is thinking:
These bosses are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
The Young girl is thinking:
The boss must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.
The boss is thinking:
Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
The Assistant is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap my boss again. The Rascal keeps harassing me in the Office.
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