One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer & one of Ken's Friends,
Bear Hunting - Democrats and Republicans
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Save the Whales’ hat and a ‘To Hell with Bush T-shirt,’ was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.’
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was that guy? ‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.’ ‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive,
or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?’
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ‘Save the Whales’ hat and a ‘To Hell with Bush T-shirt,’ was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them
threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions!’ he told them. ‘I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.’
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies ‘Who was that guy? ‘It was the Pope,’ another replied. ‘He’s in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.’ ‘Well,’ the logger said, ‘he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive,
or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?’
Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a*s." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your a*s it won't be Cheerios!"
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your a*s it won't be Cheerios!"
Pablo and Paco
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses.
As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible.
He stops his horse and turns around.
He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?"
Paco says "No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants."
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm.
Pablo stops his horse and turns around.
He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"
Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants."
He says "Ok."
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away.
Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse.
He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants.
Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"
As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible.
He stops his horse and turns around.
He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?"
Paco says "No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants."
He believes him and they keep riding.
As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm.
Pablo stops his horse and turns around.
He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"
Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants."
He says "Ok."
They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away.
Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse.
He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants.
Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"
Do you have any questions
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
House Rent
An ant knocks on the door of a house.
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
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Because they are now tenants!
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
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Because they are now tenants!
You Might Be a Redneck If......
You Might Be a Redneck If......
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
- You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
- You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
- You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
- Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
One-gun salute
When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, “And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?”
The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, “It’s a one-gun salute, ma’am.”
The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, “It’s a one-gun salute, ma’am.”
K9 Corps
“Are you sure you’ve put me in the Army all right, sir?” asked a volunteer at a recruiting center. “Am I really a soldier now?”
“Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What’s the matter with it?”
“Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I’ve been leading a dog’s life ever since.”
“Of course. Yours is the most famous outfit in the US Armed Forces. What’s the matter with it?”
“Well, I thought there must be some mistake and you put me in the K9 Corps. I’ve been leading a dog’s life ever since.”
NEVER UP, NEVER IN
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"
"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"
Did you know that
Two friends are talking in a bar.
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"
To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."
One says to the other, "Did you know that 60% of all men fall immediately asleep after they had intercourse with a woman?"
To which his friend asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"
Well, he says "The other 40% must first drive home first..."
You'll regret it
A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun.
When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge p*ssy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.
Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."
When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge p*ssy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.
Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."
Drunk Superman
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
Bravado
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
The first one says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands.”
The second cowboy can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
"Ah yes, Mr.Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr.Arnaldo?"
"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house!
A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."
"What the.....!!!But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!! !!!"
"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her."
Three nuns
Three nuns were talking. The first nun says, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
The second nun says, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
Thats my Larry
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry.
One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend
Willie the Whale and his whale girlfriend, Monica, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, Willie says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Monica says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!", says Willie.
Monica agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, Willie says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"
To which Monica, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."
Frank and Bears
Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering it briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to co-operate.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
A Little Firefighter
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice firetruck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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