A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
Meanings of few words
- School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays
- Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
- Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills
- Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
- Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
- Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
- Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Dictionary: A place where success comes before work
- Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
- Father: A banker provided by nature.
- Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
- Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills
- Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read
- Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. and finally -
- Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
- Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
Blonde in a Car
Finally, two men walked up to her.
"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.
After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.
"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."
"I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.
After awhile, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a gas station.
"We just passed a station! How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"Oh, I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."
Puzzle
1. Why are 2009 dollar bills worth more than 2008 dollar bills?
2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
8. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
9. What was the President's Name in 1975?
10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
2. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
3. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
4. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
5. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
6. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
7. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
8. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
9. What was the President's Name in 1975?
10. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
11. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
12. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Perfect Hearing
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Top 25 Things Women Want To Hear In 2011
1. Gee Sweetheart, let's skip dinner tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is you.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
(Huh?? - ^v^)
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.
10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
2. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
3. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
4. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
5. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
6. How about I give you a nice massage and foot rub. I really don't like sex that much anyway.
(Huh?? - ^v^)
7. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
8. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
9. Be careful Darling...don't let it go too far down your throat.
10. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
11. While your up Sweetheart, can you get me a glass of water. I think I've had enough beer.
12. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
13. There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually want their wives to do those things they show?
14. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
15. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
16. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
17. Look at that... disgusting. Why would she wear a short skirt like that with no panties?
18. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
19. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
20. If the guys call and want me to go to that new strip club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
21. You know Sweetheart, I'm really glad you don't like doing all those dirty things they write about in those stupid sex advice columns.
22. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
23. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
24. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
25. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
A busload of politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things.”
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know politicans- they say all kind of things.”
If Women Ruled The World
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
- Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year olds for six weeks.
Worried Boss
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, 'No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
'The search team just landed a helicopter'
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
'ME.'
Cheating Wife
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'just some friends from work, you don’t know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?
Thanks Jim
Little Johnny and Little April
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
I can't do that
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said "I died of cancer."
The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .
The third man said "I died of seenus".
The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."
The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
The first man said "I died of cancer."
The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis" .
The third man said "I died of seenus".
The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."
The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"
Cheap perfume
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
It’s easy
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want her grandmother to know.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.
The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by.
As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.
Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.
“That sounds good. I think I’ll have some too,” Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.
A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma.
Looking very bewildered, he said to her, “You’re so old, how do you do it?”
“It’s easy,” replied Grandma. “I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!”
Old Fart
A woman decided to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy the paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, she asks the girl at the counter the same question. She replies "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence for several minutes, until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the he**, go ahead."
The old man slips both his hands up her shirt, under her bra and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she starts squirming and she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,... how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned!!!! The woman says, "That's amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy the paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, she asks the girl at the counter the same question. She replies "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence for several minutes, until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the he**, go ahead."
The old man slips both his hands up her shirt, under her bra and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she starts squirming and she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,... how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."
Stunned!!!! The woman says, "That's amazing, how did you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."
Old Age Alphabet
A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
Ways of the world
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
*FREEZER BAGS*
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TYRES**
*Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS*
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. *
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES*
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. *
*TRAINS**
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.*
*EGG TIMERS**: *
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE** **CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
*FREEZER BAGS*
*They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. *
*PHOTOCOPIERS**
*These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.*
*TYRES**
*Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated*
*HOT AIR BALLOONS*
*Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. *
*SPONGES**: *
*These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.*
*WEB PAGES*
*Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. *
*TRAINS**
*Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.*
*EGG TIMERS**: *
*Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.*
*HAMMERS**: *
*Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.*
*THE REMOTE** **CONTROL**: *
*Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this:
It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying *
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