Blonde Password
During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.
Getting a second opinion
A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
The wife responds, “I was in bed.”
Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?”
To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”
“You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
The wife responds, “I was in bed.”
Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?”
To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' The husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue. 'Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' The husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue. 'Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
It's a job for Superman
Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and Wanted to go out and party.
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.
Superman thought to himself,
"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what happened."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear anything ...?"
Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!"
He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.
Superman thought to himself,
"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ....I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what happened."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear anything ...?"
Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!"
They're finally together
The preacher began with a remembrance of her life....
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
'Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
She finally died after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
'Lord, they're finally together.'
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
'Do you think he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband? '
The friend replied, ' I think he means her legs.'
Good Girl vs Bad Girl
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when? say when?
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when? say when?
Benefits of Being a Female
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- We never ejaculate prematurely.
- We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
- We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
- When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
- We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
- We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
- Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
- We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
- We can cry and get off speeding fines.
- We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...... Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Prison life VS Full time Job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Bridal Registry
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
How to make them Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26.. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37.. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43.. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26.. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37.. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43.. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol
No Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you Sometimes! !
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.
I worry about you Sometimes! !
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