Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

Benefits of Being a Female

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
We don't have to get our strength up between sessions...and it's much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers...... Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
Taxis stop for us.
We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Monday Blues

Funny Cactus

Ipad vs Stone

Bridal Registry

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore ... Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "Good. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

How to make them Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5.. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23.. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26.. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37.. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43.. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you Sometimes! !

I wish these were brains

Dustin Hoffman

Pool Party

United Steaks of Americs

HMO manager

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.
One doctor steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”
Saint Peter says, “Enter.”
The other doctor says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people.”
Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.
The third applicant steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”
Saint Peter tells him, “You can come in, too.”
As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

A new CEO

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.”
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what they’ve learned from that exchange?”
From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, I learned I should work as a pizza guy. they get HUGE tips!”

Better Look Twice

Lifesavers

A teacher handed out some Lifesavers to her students.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red…………………Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green……………….Lime
Orange.……………Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

Bra sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it's about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.

Virtual breasts

First there were email smilies and now there are email breasts
For those men out there - Feast your eyes upon these beauties.
For those women out there - be thankful you dont suffer from grandma breasts!!!
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
Q.Q. pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
o/ o/ grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
=~= =~= Mammogram breasts
)= )= I have to stop opening the freezer naked breasts...

Tight Pussy

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.
“Put your finger in me…” she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
“Put two fingers in…” she says. So in goes another digit.
She’s really starting to get worked up when she says, “Put your whole hand in!”.
The guy’s like, “OK!”.
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud “Put both your hands inside of me!!!”.
So the guy squeezes both of his hands in.
“Now clap your hands…” commands the girl.
“I can’t!” says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says “See, I told you I had a tight pussy!”.