Invisibility Cloaks

Context

Church Sign

Funny Car Tag

Read Again it is DVA - GINA

Dice Illusion

Sex Doctor

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
He continued, ”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

He's so drunk

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Porn Extreme Close-up

Classic One Liners

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
4. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
5. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
6. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
7. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
11. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
14. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
18. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
19. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
20. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
22. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
24. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
25. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
26. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
28. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
29. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
30. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
31. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
33. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
34. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
35. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
36. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
37. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
38. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
40. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
41. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
42. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
43. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
44. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
45. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
46. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
47. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
48. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
49. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
50. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
51. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
52. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
53. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
54. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
55. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
56. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
57. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
58. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
59. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
60. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
61. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
62. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
63. Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
64. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
65. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
66. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
67. Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
68. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
69. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
70. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
71. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
73. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
74. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
75. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
76. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
77. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
78. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
79. When in doubt, mumble.
80. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
81. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
82. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
83. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
84. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
85. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
86. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
87. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
88. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
89. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
90. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
91. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
92. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93. Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins.
94. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
95. Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps.
96. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
97. Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
98. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
99. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
100. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Creativity

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

How’s about if you tell me?

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said “This duck ain’t from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Kansas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “How’s about if you tell me.”

Expedition across the Sahara Desert

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman planned an expedition across the Sahara Desert, and at the appointed time each shows up with the luggage critical to his survival.

Motioning to his umbrella, the Englishman says, "It's going to be hot out there, roaming across the desert, so I've brought something to keep the sun off me".

The American says "What's really needed here is good old American know-how, so I've brought along a portable air-conditioner to keep me cool throughout the day."

They look across at the Irishman, who is carrying nothing but a right front door to a 1968 Holden. "It's going to be a scorcher out there," he explains, "and so when it gets too hot, I want to be able to wind down the car window."

Two Irishmen fishing

Two Irishmen are out fishing for the day, and they have a great time; with the fish grabbing the hooks as fast as they can get them into the water. Finally, with the boat full of as many fish as it will hold, they decide it's time to head for shore.
"But listen," says Mick, "why don't we mark the spot?"
"No problem," says Paddy, who dives into the water and paints a big black X on the bottom of the boat.
Mick beams with pleasure, and they're almost back to the dock when his face wrinkles in consternation. "Oh, no!" he cries to Paddy, "what if we don't get the same boat?".

Cow from Alberta

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?"

The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?

"The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."

I'm NOT happy

A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."

Change my prescription

An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."

My wife Suzie

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Number One Sport

A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.

The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."

The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport." 

Family Planning

Falkland Island Crisis

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"